- Don't Panic!
- Don't tell your secret plans and strategies to the cameraman when
you think you're alone. While he can't talk to YOU, he can talk to the
PRODUCERS who will blab it all over camp!
- Use thought-provoking cliches like "It's kinda like living
inside the pocket of a clown"
- Act nice and sweet and innocent, so the network will get killed if
they cut you.
- Well, after that one Survivor where the two girls got naked for food
and stayed on to be the final two, my advice to the female contestants
would be to bare your breasts in a dignified and classy way. If you
are to trailer-trash about it, its not going to sit well with the
people voting and you need to have nice perky breasts.
- Stay under the radar until near the end of the game. Do enough work
to get by, but not enough to get blamed if your task goes wrong. The
last two weeks/shows turn it up and show everyone why you are the
best. Also, chicks who walk around topless will probably make it to
the finally.
- I won a reality TV show. My success can be attributed to being such
a major ******* that everyone was so busy focusing on me they became
easy targets themselves. Also, being an ******* makes you key to the
shows success. This means the production crew need you to stay around
for the success of the show and they are the most powerful team come
elimination time.
- Try not to be gaseous.
- Develop a Kegerator that only I could operate.
- Constantly read erotic literature outloud. After the most exciting
parts, claim that you not only wrote it, but that you remember
"that time."
- Bring twinkies and dont make friends.
- Shoot yourself! Reality TV shows aren't quite reality.
- Form an alliance with ALL of the other players so that none of them
will vote you out.
- Become best buds with the host so he or she will favor you over the
other contestants.
- Pretend your grandmother's died.
- Snuff all opposing players
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- It puts the lotion on its skin, or it gets the hose again
- I would win by being the last person to lose.
- Set free the proletariat.
- Always talk behind peoples backs--you will get more air time and
make more money like Omorosa did!
- When all else fails, be attractive.
- Be the wiered one having some quirk is important like the naked guy
on survivor but at all costs do not be th bithchy one.
- Be as bitchy as you possibly can, that way, when the show is over,
you can get a spot on The Surreal Life and live for eternity in
reality show history!
- kill yourself- slowly and painfully.
- If you must get bitchy, get bitchy in a way that makes others look
bad. Don't allow yourself to get so wrapped up in bitchiness that you
yourself become like the "Omarosa." Talk **** on people only
when they deserve it, and never lash out when others talk dirt upon
you. You must be the Venus flytrap, firm and patient but ready to
strike at any moment.
- Don't push your "post reality show" fame. You're annoying
and I hate you.
- I think being treacherous and sneaky would insure not getting kicked
off the island, because the drama i created would be valuble for the
show.
- Go naked! If you're good looking, going naked is sexy and draws in
viewers. If you're not, going naked is funny and draws in viewers.
Either way the producers love you!
- don't poop in other peoples beds.
- Always be The Bitch. Everyone likes The Bitch and wants to see them
on the show until the very end, and then lose to The Sweet One Who
Gets An Attitude Only When Provoked By The Bitch.
- Survivor:
- My advice to the contestants: Learn how to make fire without matches
before you go on the show.
- My advice to the producers: Actually let people starve and die if
they cannot make fire or find their own nourishment and clean water.
- Learn to swim, start a fire with flint, how to stand in one place
for extended periods of time, shoot a bow, shoot a slingshot.
- Keep quiet but help out.
- Try to be as dramatic and entertaining as possible. The network will
try to keep you on the island for as long as possible to maximize
ratings. And when you do finally get voted off, you'll be able to make
it big as a pop culture icon!
- Stop your f**ing whining. Jebus!
- Have two X chromosomes and an attractive body.
- Survivor: In the beginning of the game, the strong survive and the
weak falter. After the merge, it is the smart who succeed. Needless to
say, success relies on honing both body and mind. I've got nothing on
the details however.
- kiss everyone's ass just enough to make sure they all like you but
not enough for them to know you're sucking up
- dont go on reality television.
- #1 Get a job and quit wasting time being a jackass. (That's Ted
Kennedy's job!)
- #2 Spend more time on http://www.cockeyed.com
- #3 Drink more Guinness!
- Vote twice!
- When you get the word that you're going to be on Survivor, it might
be a really good idea to learn how to make fire, dumbass! (Why has
nobody ever practiced?)
- ALWAYS assume you're on camera, even when you don't see any.
- Nudity. Lots of nudity.
- Don't comment on Martha's ankle bracelet.
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