This sleek LILLARP floor lamp was manufactured from secret plans found in an evil factory deep within the Black Forest. That evil origin, and its subsequent evil shipping to the U.S. and evil stocking on the labyrinthine showroom of Emeryville IKEA has resulted in a lamp hell-bent on destruction.

The lamp seemed to work fine. It even had a cute deficiency... it could hardly hold its little head up straight.

In May of 2005, it struck. Late one night, in the pitch dark, I bent down to my bedstead and rammed my eyeball on its single armored thorn.

It was horrible. My eye had a big red bruise on the inside for a week.

I exiled the lamp to the garage, and there it stayed.

Until we moved.

In the move, we recruited a gang of friends to help, and one of them must have fallen  under the spell of the lamp. With four boxes of Converse All-Stars, the lamp was in our bedroom once again.

I was actually very careful around the lamp at first, but as time went on, I relaxed...and that is what pisses me off the most. I let my guard down.

In the pitch dark, on Saturday night, it hit me in the mouth. I suffered a cut on my chin  and my lip, and I bit my tongue so hard that it bled. The next day, and as I write this, I  have an ugly bruise on the bottom of my tongue. Before this, I didn't even know that tongues could get bruised.

I had no choice but to throw the lamp away. The thing is just a freaking hazard.

Now, I have never thought of myself as the suing type, if there is such a thing, but I was so mad, I can easily imagine (someone else) pursuing a lawsuit against the manufacturer.

Have you ever been injured and thought, "Damn it! I could sue their asses off, but I'm just not going to."