Kirby Vacuum Cleaners will suck the life out of you and your marriage

Kirby Vacuum Sales Techniques - Email

Two good emails about Kirby Vacuum Cleaners. Both writers are referring to the Introduction to Kirby sales article.

I worked for the kirby company and i think it's hilarious how down to the last detail you've gotten. However kirby has gotten some new tricks. We vacuum matresses and show you the body ash now. We also do paper/credit card tests to show you how terrible the suction in your vac is.

Just so you know, the person the sales rep is calling on the phone to get you a price break, is the guy who's driving you around in the van and he wants you to call him and refer to him as MR. SO AND SO (indicating he is the big boss and not the guy in the van.)
Theres only a friend with that knocker if they're being shadowed by a new comer.
And that sweaty guy you referred to (which i certainly am not) ha to sit in a non air conditioned van for 12 hours, doesn't get a lunch break, and has to use a customer bathroom, which means he can't pee till he gets into a house. Kirby are slave drivers and they don't pay you the money they owe you.
They also don't take no for an answer. we were trained to ask questions people can't say no to, and use body language to persuade people.

Standard Kirby Pitch:

Door opens.
Hi, are you the mrs./mr. of the house?
("yes")
Great! This is for you. (hands notorious flyer) *This is so that they can't shut the door in your face until you get the flyer back so you have time to maneuver into another tactic.
What we're doing today is coming out and talking to you and your neighbors offering a free promotional deep clean and carpet shampooing, or one hardwood floor buffing, or 2-3 peices of furniture deep air cleaned. Now like i said, this is totally free and of no cost to you. We're simply doing this as a word of mouth promotional and we're just trying to get some feedback on the new system and see what people think of it. Now a lot of your neighbors have been having us do a hallway or a living room...you know, a high traffic area. Is there any specific room in your house that gets a lot of traffic?
("well, my living room does get trashed from the kids.")

Great, do you mind if i take a peek at your floor? (wipes feet to indicate enterance) *this is the body language at work*
Okay, well it does look like you have some prretty bad stains here, but i'm sure we can get those out no problem. Tell you what, I'm going to call my boss and have him bring my equipment by and we'll start your cleaning.

TADA!

Now then, and only then do you get the actual deal. The supervisor in the van walks the person back in, drops their kirby and tells you this...

Hi, I'm BLAH BLAH BLAH. What andy here is going to do is show you a few things about the new system and then do a good job on this carpet for you. Now, like andy said this is totally free and you don't have to buy anything, however if you fall in love and can't go without it, this system is for sale through us. So, you folks enjoy your clean room and i'll be back to pick andy up in a little bit.

Now the one thing you addressed is that you can go on ebay....sorry...you cna't. A kirby can only be sold by a kirby associate. If you get one on ebay, it's called a hot kirby because it's likely either stolen, or for sale by someone who has the kirby registered in their name (this is standard and happens automatically when you buy it. Which means that you don't get the rebuild warranty or the 40 year warranty on it. So if you ever take it in for service or let someone from kerby know you have it and don't have the registration papers, it can be taken and felony theft charges brought against you because you can't prove ownership and it is a machine that is worth 2,300.00

So there are the facts.
I hated kirby.
I never went into a demo trying to sell one. I always told the customer how everything worked and that it was all bs and that i hated the company i worked for, but thank for letting me do the demo. Sometimes they bought one anyways because i was so honest and the product does sell itself.

Thanks for the run down on additional sales techniques! I like the "wipe feet" detail.

Here is another one:

Wassup, I read your internet site about how the kirby vacuums will "suck the life out of you and your marriage". You were right about a majority of the things the demo-dude did and said...but you didnt specify exactly HOW it will "suck the life out of you and your marriage". I suggest you should, that's the thing you do if you say something online...BACK IT UP WITH DETAILS!!!

P.S. : It's illegal to buy a Kirby vacuum on ebay. My friend's cousin bought a KirbyGSix on ebay, and the police were at his home less than 24 hours later. Yeah...it's illegal to buy a $1,700 vacuum unless it's from the distributors. He got fined more than that. So I'd suggest you take that info about getting it on ebay off your website...

Signed,
****************

Thanks for writing Zach, that is a good point. I should make it more clear how the Kirby will suck the life out of you and your marriage:

How the Kirby will suck the life out of you and your marriage:

If your spouse buys a vacuum cleaner for a thousand dollars, which is obviously way too much for a vacuum cleaner, you are probably going to have an argument about the reckless disposal of money in the household. It isn't going to be a little argument either. It is going to be a real horrorshow, because a purchase like this showcases the buyers susceptibility to aggressive salesmen.

I think my wife would rather find out that I spent $1,000 on crack cocaine than on a Kirby vacuum cleaner, because with crack cocaine, at least she would know that I didn't pay three times as much as it was selling for on ebay.

And I should also mention that many, many companies in the world, from DeBeers diamonds to Ping Golf Clubs and Fisher Price Toys would love to blacklist their products from ebay, but they don't have the legal means or authority to do it. I think if you do some searching, you will find that the companies that sell grossly overpriced products at retail (Herbalife pills, Kirby Vacuums) are the same ones which are most interested in keeping their products off of ebay.

Here are the Kirby vacuum cleaners on ebay, if you ever desire a vacuum cleaner that doubles as an armored personnel carrier. There is also a specific category on ebay for Kirby vacuum cleaners, and a long Kirby's Buyer's Guide by Dustin Chaffin. Make sure you don't buy one from someone who has negative feedback like "I was imprisoned after I bought this used Kirby".

June 5th, 2007.