1. What is your Chinese Zodiac?
Cock, of course
2. Where is your butter?
In the icebox
3. What is the best Lucky Charms marshmallow?
Green Clover, my birthday is the day after St. Patrick's day, so that follows
5. What was your gross income for 2000?
Oh, that is a secret, but I must brag that I am a MULTI-THOUSANDAIRE!
6. Dog or Cat?
CAT, but not by much
7. Hotel or Motel?
Uh, more like hostel
8. Why do all people like blue?
It is the easiest on the eyes, it takes the least calories to view blue things...even less effort than black
9. Pie or cake?
Pie, but not by much
10. How much is your rent?
$250/month. But consider I have two roommates
11. Why won't Randy give me a new computer?
Why in the hell do you need a new computer? Your current one is less than two years old!
12. Where do you buy groceries?
At the Auto-parts store, NO WAIT, Grocery Store called Safeway
14. Name of your high school sweetheart?
15. Who was the last person to give you the finger?
I don't know
16. Toronto or Montreal?
I don't know
18. What are you eating?
Fish Steak Sandwich
19. Last thing you did with a relative?
Flashlight party on Saturday with my brother and two sisters
20. Who let the dogs out?
I HOPE this song was playing in the background or something!
21. Why did I ask #20?
To watch me cringe
22. Best science?
Physics.. Sociology is pretty cool too, but has poor PR
23. What is the one thing people say about you the most?
"you have way too much time on your hands"
24. 19 or 20?
Gosh, must have been 23
25. What do you watch on TV?
I like that show "the mole"
26. Sweet or Salty?
27. How do you feel about paper clips?
28. Who do you have a picture of on your desk?
Yes, one at the 80s prom party with my sibs, one of me and Colleen, one from the Christmas party at Cable & Wireless with 9 sexy co-workers
30. Do you eat breakfast?
No. I drink coffee
31. Drink of choice?
32. Middle name?
33. Middle child?
Uh, 32 does that sound right?
35. Funniest comic?
Maybe Tom Green
36. Why do you look like Mean Dave?
We have the same plastic surgeon
37. Are you 32?
38. What movie should I rent?
39. Accounting will pay for my eyeglasses, right?
Sure, but you have to get better at it and then find an accounting job
40. What do you quote the most?
"imitation is the most sincere form of flattery"
41. What was the last book you read?
Oh, a gripping one about PHP & mySQL. I was also reading one on the French revolution, but I think that one is done for because I haven't picked it up in weeks
42. Is it warm there? Yeah, nice. The sun is out. Good for sweater, but no jacket needed
43. Friday or Saturday?
44. Are you scared yet?
ha ha, no
45. Do you bite your fingernails?
46. How old are the shoes you're wearing?
Jesus, 2 years?
47. Can you speak Swedish?
Yeah, NO WAIT, no
48. Do you drink coffee with cream?
49. Do you smoke?
No. but all my siblings do, it has been called the "curse of the Cockerhams"
50. Where is Ed going?
He has to see a guy upstairs about something
1. What is your keychain?
A flat chrome wad. I am drawn to shiny things
2. Chocolate milk?
3. Uptown or downtown?
4. Girl friend or girlfriend?
Girlfriend. The aforementioned Colleen editor's note: bonk!
5. What was your last dental work?
I had a cap re-cemented! Talk about being old! The damn thing was only 2 years old!
6. Have you ever broken a bone?
Nope, but I have a black eye!
7. How long can you sustain a goldfish?
8. Steve Martin or Bill Murray?
9. What is in your car, tape player or CD player?
CD player, with this faceplate that comes off in theory
10. Do you like your job?
Yes. I feel vital to the operation of the company and I get to make stuff
11. How are you doing today?
Great! Well, I have a little cough, and the black eye, but besides that, great!
12. What article of clothing do you wear and everyone hates?
These flesh-colored socks
13. Are you a good liar?
I try, but I know so many good ones, I think maybe I pale in comparison
14. What was the last thing you bought at (Target?)<--do you have those?
polaroid film (yes)
15. Bikini or one piece?
Yeah. this is a "do you have a great body" question for women
16. Hair: long or short?
I have short, prefer short on others
17. Last time you got flowers sent to you?
Last year on my birthday
18. Are you 30?
sometimes this means "are you over 30", to which I answer yes
19. Can you roll your tongue?
Yeah, I can roll it and I can make an M
20. Have you ironed anything lately?
Yeah, these green pants, but not today
21. Who is your emergency contact?
22. Can I call your emergency contact?
In an emergency
23. What color is your couch?
kind of a straw plaid, how did you know I have a couch?
24. Are you a Marxist?
This was your weakest question just because there is exactly one funny answer
25. Who is your best friend?
Ken or maybe Rob Jordan
26. Worst song you heard on the radio?
27. Getting tired?
Must be the glare
28. What do you think of me?
I can tell you are clever, so now I am interested in whether you are cute or not. and NOW I am interested if you are insulted or not
29. What color is my hair?
brown, but I wish it were black
The first album I ever bought was a beatles anthology, but I have lost interest since then
31. Mac or PC? PC. I won an Imac last year and I sold it. Mac owners give and give and give love, and in return they get nada! How long can Apple sustain this? I noticed that your mail server at work is MAC! How weird is that. Neat!
32. Haim or Feldman?
33. Did you wash your hands?
I WOULD HAVE if there were towels!
34. Oven mit or potholder?
oven mitt...is this some kind of secret mystery query, because if it is over 420° degrees I use a potholder
35. What color is your shirt?
That means zero in tennis...but I don't play tennis
38. Have you ever been to Minnesota?
No, are there bears there?
39. Best chess piece? Knight
40. How big is your bed?
41. Why do I hate Johnston and Murphy?
I love their early-morning talk-show radio antics!! I don't know who that is
43. Where do you want to be right now?
at a friend's house, any friend's house
44. Best cartoon?
ren & stimpy? Simpsons, maybe
45. Have you ever seen "After Hours"?
Nope, is that a movie? editors note: this data is no longer valid
46. How do you feel about houndstooth?
I was infatuated for a brief time in 1989
48. Stripes or polka-dots?
49. Did you cut your own hair?
Did you just wake up?
see question 46
1. Lenin or Stalin?
Lenin. He wasn't as mean
2. Are you even a little annoyed yet?
No, I feel bad for using you to write my whole FAQ for cockeyed.com
3. Should Mike move in this summer?
He should move in if you have been going out for more than 6 months, or if you have never gone out & you don't like him in that way
4. Desert island: Food or company?
5. Hot or cold?
6. What is the fist thing you do every morning?
Ha ha, buy the film like everybody else!
7. Did you forget to lock your car?
no, I left the window down...is that in the same category?
8. Check or cash?
9. How old is your wallet?
4 years, I think. I stopped losing my keys and wallet about 5 years ago
10. Mass transit?
Experienced, but not going steady. Once in 1995 I rode the subway in New York and Bay Area's BART in the same day
I like to brag that I rode the city rails in Paris, Berlin, London, Barcelona, Lisbon, Madrid, Amsterdam, Vienna, Rome & Athens in 1999.
11. Does your bathroom have a color scheme?
We have an old clawfoot tub that some genius painted the underside of blue... and one of the bathmats is blue. But I would have to say no
12. What is the best tasting m+m color?
13. Which goes first, zip or button?
It depends if I am dressing or undressing
14. How much water do you drink in a day?
I drink about a gallon and a half of fluids a day, I would guess... mostly water, but some sugar and flavoring
15. What is Pascal's Wage? editor's note: Pascal's wager is that it is better to believe in God, because if you do believe in God & he exists, then you might go to heaven, if you don't believe in God & he doesn't exist, nothing happens, if you do believe in God & he doesn't exist then nothing happens, but if you don't believe in God & he does exist, you are in trouble.
I would have to ask jeeves
yeah. studied the language for about 3 years. Helped in France & Morocco. It actually took me a long time to figure out that while Italian, French and Spanish are romantic languages, English is not
17. Moon or Sun?
18. What time is your lunch break?
12 pm, PST
19. I work 9am to 6pm. Is that ridiculous?
nope, that is 8 hours with an unpaid one-hour lunch. Sucks to start so late though
20. Best rat pack member?
21. Coyote Ugly or Bring it On?
I haven't seen either, but I am thinking Bring it on
22. Do you know who Julie Christie is?
23. Best vegetable?
Maybe when we know each other better
No. There used to be exactly one acceptable dance venue in Sacramento, where I got my fill of goth. There is a club in SF called Dark Sparkle that I think deserves a look and a laugh
26. Are you polite?
A little. I am not good with the holding-doors open thing though
27. Best year of school?
Senior year at University I guess
28. Do you believe in ghosts?
Uh, I caught a fish one time when I was 10. That was neat, but then it died, and I just felt bad, so I am over it. It is kind of like how BB guns are neat until you kill a squirrel and explosives are neat until you kill a busload of Oregonians
30. What is business casual, really?
Oh that is easy. Brown or Black Leather shoes, no white socks, shirts with buttons or sweaters, and no jeans or shorts. If you need more help, you can check out the mannequins in the lobby. see www.iworkfornazis.com.
Yes. Viva food that only takes one hand! I am in the midst of trying vegetarian for the first time in my life though, so they may fall by the wayside
I can't make that kind of commitment
33. Shoe size?
34. Bike couriers?
I have a theory: all bike couriers smoke pot. editor's note: this was disproven
35. Do you wish you had a black car?
That would be cool. Yes. A black car is the opposite of a mini-van
Yeah, on my eyebrow above the black eye
37. Can you tell I'm running out of ideas?
Have you put the whole office to work? I am really glad you didn't ask what my sign is
39. Tinted Glasses?
I find them to be attractive on otherwise attractive people, and hideous on otherwise hideous people. They are like a magnifier of physical presence
40. Chocolate or vanilla?
41. How often do you wash your hair?
Once every two days, and within 15 minutes of a haircut
42. How many rings before you answer the phone?
As few as possible, which seems to be three. You know, unless I was busy in bed, then I would have to be crazy to answer the phone!
No, I am a bicyclist. It seems like everyone that jogs messes up their knees
45. Lou Reed?
Yes, but not as yes as the Simpsons
46. How many nights a week do you eat pizza?
one. A friend of mine, Maurice, had this theory that you do not get tired of pizza because it typically fulfills all 4 food groups, bread, dairy, vegetables and meats
47. Can you juggle?
yes. good question!
48. Do you cry?
yes. At sad times and sometimes at really patriotic moments, which is even more embarrassing
49. Do you know what "hotdish" is?
not unless that is on the cafeteria menu or a 1940s movie poster
50. Am I getting an iMac?
I don't have any sage predictions for you on this
1. Elvis Costello?
No. I think every man can only choose one Elvis
2. Ever seen bread in a can?
3. Do you use styling products in your hair?
does mustard count?
4. Do you think someone named Hank Die wears cowboy boots?
5. Last time you called in sick, were you faking it?
6. Your catch phrase?
Rob Cockerham, to make life more interesting
7. Ever heard of Rob Hawkins?
No, I am just barely comfortable with red!
9. Best muppet?
10. Best snack?
pringles, available everywhere on earth
11. Science or religion?
Religion until 18, then science
12. Salad dressing of choice?
13. Independent or codependent?
Basketball. Sports is about sharing an experience. Sometimes it is so meaningless, and other times I am quite interested. I guess you get out of it what you put into it
15. Science fair?
I'm not sure I have even BEEN to a Science fair, which I am realizing means I got gyped
16. Worst disease?
Down syndrome is pretty bad. I guess leprosy. Aids is fatal, but it seems like you would have decent emotional support until you kicked off
17. Coke or Pepsi?
Coke. I don't mind pepsi though
18. How did you get a black eye?
Kicking some sharps out of my house on Saturday. That was the night of the flashlight party & was not at all happy about anyone being in my house who wasn't my close friend of mine. They didn't want to leave, and it was turning into a shouting match, so I put some lightbulbs back in their sockets. I got back into the hall to see one of them grappling with my roommate & tried to separate them. Then sharp #2 punched my head from the side. I moved quickly out of the way, but he nailed me a couple more times. Fucking punks. Eventually the party rose up against them and they backed out. They also broke the downstairs neighbor's window, which cost me and my roomates $84
19. What do you think my job title is?
20. Best ice cream?
21. Does your phone have a cord?
It is cordless
22. Best swear word?
I love to hear clusterfuck used in the proper context
23. Did Nancy order lunch for me, too?
24. When was your last oil change?
I think August. I guess I am due
25. How do you feel about retail workers?
They tend to work hard, but not as hard as cafe workers. Also, I wish I knew who was paid on commission or who was trying to win a contest when I am in there asking if this hat looks good on me
26. Are you a slob?
Sometimes I have 4-5 shirts sitting on my couch or bed because they aren't dirty enough for the hamper & not clean enough for the closet
I used to be allergic to grass, but not anymore
28. How many credit cards do you have?
One debit-based and one visa that I use actively. One M/C, discover & a few retailers in the desk
29. Are you subversive?
30. Do you have neat handwriting?
No. my printing can be nice because I studied drafting for awhile
Boats are a little boring
32. Malt or milkshake?
33. Should I tape it shut for you?
No, I'll just tell you that I want room for cream so you will leave plenty of room...then I will only put sugar in it
34. Most annoying noise?
Beeping timers at fast-food that the staff ignores
35. Do you have 20/20 vision?
36. Mall of America?
Malls are a great place for a prank, because they get so much exposure there
37. Best coworker?
mmm, Jason, I think
38. When is accounting going to learn?
they only know what they are told
39. Shower or bath?
Uh, I'd give that about a 19-1 split
40. Does size matter?
yeah, but not as much as deodorant
The secret is to use buttermilk and lots of fruit
42. Count Duckula or Danger Mouse?
43. What time is it right now?
44. Can you use Excel?
Yeah, I am quite good. I got to use concatenate in a sentence the other day because of it
See question 8
46. Do you like strawberries?
47. How do you face society with a black eye?
Boldly. People are avoiding looking at my face however
48. What do you think of me now?
I am impressed.. curious too
49. Ever been to Norway?
Nope, got as far north as Scotland
50. Did you vote for Nader?
No, I thought Gore needed me
Yeah, I love it. It is quite a rush. I wish they had a few more cameras mounted on the outside of the planes so you could have a better view of the takeoff and landing
2. Do you look good in hats?
I don't think so, I find them uncomfortable, so I don't usually leave them on very long
No meeting needs to be longer than an hour. I hate being in a room talking about all the work that needs to get done
4. What does, "We need to talk" mean?
variously "I am breaking up with you" or "you are going to be fired if you keep this up"
5. Do you use the postage machine at work?
6. Are you ergonomically correct?
I lean toward the monitor too much, & my desk at home is too high
7. Grape flavor?
Yeah, My brother Mike was allergic to grape growing up, so now I get to have it & sometimes I do. I guess when I feel compelled to buy cheap store-brand soda, I can pretty much count on their cola tasting terrible, so I get grape
8. Beavis or Butthead?
9. Can you dance?
Yes. Sometimes I even move my hips!
10. Do you have more guys friends than girl friends?
Yes, but it isn't an overwhelming majority
11. Do you read your horoscope?
no, Pisces is always last, and I usually get the feeling that the writer is running out of gas by the time he gets to mine. Plus I don't believe in that crap
12. Do you find yourself getting dumped for the same reason every time?
Uh, I have found it hard to discover the reason at all
14. Video games?
uh, computer games to be specific. I had a playstation, but it just collected dust
15. When are you going to grow up?
I need to find a woman I want to marry, which will lead to a house & kids OR some horrible tragedy will strike & will be shaken into adulthood
16. Uphill from here or downhill from here?
Neither one sounds good! Uphill sounds like a lot of work, and downhill sounds like failing health! I guess "skyrocketing fame and fortune" describes it best
17. What are you doing for your birthday?
Helicopters, cocaine and prostitutes, same as every year
18. Should I go to California?
Are you liberal & tolerant? Then yes, you should
19. Contact cement or liquid nails?
20. Last time you were really upset?
I got screwed out of some web-design money that a guy owes me because of a third-party ass-face named Kenji Otto. This guy got paid a couple of grand to "facilitate" the construction of a website, and I got zip for actually designing and building the thing. Kenji Otto, what a scourge on society.
21. Can I mail you something?
Sure! XXX XXXX XXXXXX XXXXX. Sacramento, CA, 95816
22. Where the hell is Brian?
23. Best feature?
24. Soy milk?
They are kind of fun unless someone you know dies or they raise sales taxes. Most disasters bring out the community spirit that you don't see every day
26. Do you have a theme?
yeah, I think so, but I am probably not the best person to ask what it is
27. Double joints?
28. Best place to take a date?
29. What's worse: Papercut or hangnail?
Hangnail is worse, a papercut goes away in like 4 hours
31. DC or Marvel?
32. Why does my phone smell like play-dough?
It was made in a Chinese Fun Factory
33. Flour and water or paper mache mix?
Flour and water. I can never find the same packaged paper-mache mix twice
34. Favorite music?
Brit pop, like Pulp & Dandy Warhols. Also Magnetic Fields
35. Best Kubrick film?
36. Kevin Smith?
Yeah. Chasing Amy
37. Best thing about being male?
You can travel by yourself without worrying everyone
38. Worst thing about being male?
You are expected to be brave even when brave equals stupid
No. Did you know that Mozart composed for the glass harp, an instrument invented by Ben Franklin?
40. Have you ever placed a personal ad, not as a joke?
41. Have you ever answered a personal ad, not as a joke?
Yeah. Although there was a lot of humor value to it
42. Why are all the guys in the suite next door below avg. height?
The hiring supervisor there doesn't like to work with anyone taller than him
43. Have you ever gone to work on a Saturday, thinking it was Friday?
45. Pager, Cellphones?
No. a pager is obsolete & a cellphone would still be a luxury for me. I won a cellphone in the
46. You're 2 hours behind CST, right?
47. Can you sing?
No, but I still try, especially Blondie and Pulp
48. Where is the Schwan's Meeting?!
In the "pit"
49. Dayquil or Nyquil?
No. I love aspirin, but I almost never buy other medicine
No. To become vegan you have to concentrate too hard on eating. and when it comes to eating, I am very lazy
Yeah, raised, but I ignore all the rules and don't go to church
2. Do you have sensitive teeth?
3. Last dream you remember?
I had this dream where people were not judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character. Plus there was a monorail going right through town!
4. What toppings do you like on your pizza?
olives & artichoke hearts
5. How much gasoline do you use per week?
just a few handfuls. A lot of your questions have asked about my car. Yes, I have a car, no, it isn't anything special
6. Will you pick me up at the airport?
Do you have a place to stay?
7. When do you do your laundry?
8. Fast food?
I used to go to Carl's jr. quite a bit, despite their awful marketing, but I am shying away from meat now
10. What is the most thoughtful gift you've gotten lately?
A hand-made heart-shaped light from my gf editor's note: bonk!
11. Can you grow facial hair?
Can't stop! But I shave all the time
12. Is this going to be on your webpage?
Yep. Most sites have a "frequently asked questions", but some guy in marketing made up those questions in the first place.. like "Q: do you have other colors available? A: Yes! all our wigs are available in Taupe and Periwinkle." I think I will post these as my site's "AQ"
13. I like the band "Archers of Loaf". Is there something wrong with me?
You spelled "restaurant" wrong
14. What are you dong tonight?
That is weird. You said dong. Just the other day I got an email from ambur with the same typo:
--How are you? How is your eye?
--What are you dong this weekend. Tonight there is a puppet show at the "Stupid but True Love" Café. Does this sound interesting? I know, not really
--I have already had two people over looking at my computer and they can't figure out my jpg. Problem
to which I replied "huh huh huh huh, you said dong."
Sound of music doesn't suck, and I like Willy Wonka quite a bit. Sometimes I sit around wishing life was more like a musical, where people bust out in song, and sometimes I do something about it
16. Are you left handed?
No. I bet you are!
17. Straight Edge?
No, I drink
Hell yeah, this is California
19. Is it wrong to be excited about 40 degree weather?
No. weather is one of only a few things that is on the news everyday. If you are excited about that, you have a long happy life ahead of you
20. Horror movies?
John Carpenter's THE THING, and any Vampire movie
21. Which sibling?
Oh, each one has advantages and disadvantages. maybe XXXXXX
23. Guilty pleasure?
Giant cokes & Computer games
Every once in a while I find myself mesmerised by television or a magazine.
25. Last crisis?
My passport was stolen in Costa Rica a couple of days before I was supposed to leave
26. Last thing you laughed at?
A website: Britney Spears' guide to Particle Physics
27. Do you want to live alone?
Nope. Sounds boring and expensive. Does this mean I am the bad roommate?
28. When is your next vacation?
I think before summer. I hear tickets to Germany are only $440 right now
29. Could I survive San Francisco?
Are you flexible and resourceful?
It is very, very difficult to find an apartment. Like impossible. Stacy searched for 3 months, living in her co-worker's place for that time. Now she splits a little $1000 studio with Mark. They literally don't know what they would do if they lost that apartment. Elise lives with Steven in a $650 studio that is competing for the title of the "smallest apartment in the world"
30. Best beat poet?
uh, Lawrence Ferlingetti?
31. What is really over rated about you?
People may have an overblown impression of how fun I am to hang out with
32. Have you ever had a fake ID?
Yeah. I forget his name now. Quite handy. What a shame that people are moved to commit fraud in search of easy access to liquor & dancing
33. Tylenol or Advil?
34. Should I get a cat?
Can you clean out the cat box every single day?
35. What should I name a cat?
Whatever springs to mind but isn't cliche. No cartoon characters or dictators. How about Ampersand?
36. Where is Turlock, CA in relation to you?
About 100 miles south
37. Last time you saw snow?
I saw a hunk at the gas station that musta fell off a truck or something yesterday. Also, I went sledding about 6 weeks ago. Snow falls about an hour-and-a-half from here
38. Do you think I sound like someone in "Fargo"?
No, do you?
39. Why am I always the last to know about stuff?
They figure you already know OR because you make life unpleasant for the people that do
40. How tall are you?
41. Where will you be in 10 years?
In a bigger city
42. How do you feel about getting lost?
When I was 6 years old, I was lost in the woods overnight with 3 of my siblings: Mike, age 8, Christina, age 7, and Sue, age 4. We slept on the side of a forest road & were found the next morning. I don't really fear it now, although once in a while it hits you...like in Blair Witch Project, where they walk all day long and wind up at the same place they started...that broke my heart, because I was there with them
Oh, or are you talking about driving around San Jose looking for the fucking freeway onramp kind of lost?
43. Peanut Butter or Jelly?
44. Have I asked you anything 2wice?
Not exactly, although you asked me what my theme was, and what my motto was, and what my catch phrase was
very very important for sales, but so wasteful when it comes to conservation. (I am speaking of lunchables) It will be interesting to watch how environmentalist vs. marketing plays out in the next 10 years in California
46. Do you have a lisp?
Yeah, it is extremely faggy
47. Theme parks?
I like thrill rides. Disneyland is the only one I have seen that has any kind of decent atmosphere, so it remains the best
48. Are you easily annoyed?
Yeah, and sometimes I freak out, but in a fairly harmless way
49. Die Hard?
Now I have a machine gun. Ho Ho Ho
50. Are you sad that this is the last "50 Questions" Installment?
Yes... wait! No!