Below is the third part of of a giant list of the bad things that can happen to you.
Dolors are a unit, like "gallons". They were invented to illustrate the philosophy of Utilitarianism.

Part 1: Uncomfortable | Part 2: Lousy | Part 3: Crushing | Part 4: Epic
Bad ThingDolor Value
you sneeze more than 3 times in a row0.01
You get in your car after leaving the windows open, close the windows, turn on the air conditioning and then discover there is a gigantic wasp flying around the inside of the car.0.01
you figure out that you have more hair on your butt than on your head0.01
cops bust party and make you pour beer out b/c you are underage0.05
You drop the cone piece into the bucket while tapping the ash out0.10
You learn PHP but miss a simple function like stripslashes().0.10
You put on your pants and realize they are too tight in the thighs0.10
You buy a pair of shoes over the internet and they are too small but you wear them anyway since you don't want to pay $5 shipping to send them back.0.10
You are slightly annoyed but have no idea why.0.10
You find that the tub of ice cream has developed an inedible layer of icy crystals.0.10
You do not pass GO. You do not collect $200.0.10
Pooty finds you.0.10
You type an entire paragraph without looking at the keyboard, then realized some fingers werent on the correct keys.0.10
You realize that knuckles look very odd.0.10
you flip the channels one to many times and have to go back0.10
you step on a sticker0.10
You read from a yellow webpage for 30 minutes and temporarily mess up all the colors you see.0.10
you write a terrible haiku0.10
your mom cuts your hair into a mullet with a braided tail whether you like it or not until you are 15.0.10
band aid residue0.10
You get the black stuff from Oreos stuck in your molars and not even an electric toothbrush can get it out0.10
You buy a classical music CD, but the cashier mistakenly puts in a koRn CD and you dont notice untill you are home, but it would cost you $10 bus fare to return the CD.0.10
You buy a koRn CD, but the cashier mistakenly puts in a classical music CD and you dont notice untill you are home, but it would cost you $10 bus fare to return the CD.0.10
you experience DejaVu0.10
you bump your shin on the coffee table0.11
Not reading the instructions and hitting the wrong part of the link over and over.0.11
the coffee filter folds over and you get hot water instead of coffee0.11
you break your middle finger then try to make a fist at someone0.11
you try to unlock the car door to get out but hit lock yet again0.11
you are attacked by vermicious kinids (the things that tried to eat the oompa loompaz)0.11
You have to watch Mr. Deeds twice, first because you did not know how much it sucked, second because your new girlfriend asked you to go see it.0.11
raving to a friend about cockeyed.com, and when they try to go there the site is gone with no explanation0.11
being really thirsty and taking a big gulp of your Sprite only to discover that the syrup is out and you have a big nasty cup of carbonated water0.12
having to go to the counter to tell the person that your Sprite is only carbonated water and they look at you like you are an alien0.13
drop your books in the hall0.17
you experience DejaVu0.17
someone puts a flier on your windshield0.50
you have to write a check0.50
Someone asks why you are so quiet, and you can't think of a response.0.50
you are bored0.50
You buy a tube of Pringles, and they are all broken into iddy biddy liddle bits.0.50
While eating a hot dog, mustard drips onto the crotch of your white pants.0.50
You step on a snail0.50
you wake up sweating0.50
You sneeze while having food in your mouth0.50
Someone tries to put a flier under your wiperblade but ends up just snapping it off.0.52
your friend keeps threatening to bust out a combo on people0.55
The Coke machine eats your change and doesnt give you a Coke.0.59
you have to get up in the morning0.69
you order a regular Coke and they give you diet Coke0.69
You have to turn down a really high paying temp job so that you can finish your degree.0.69
You used Nair and it stinks up the whole apartment.0.69
getting a cramp in your leg from driving a standard.0.69
the soap breaks0.70
someone e-mails you a chain-letter0.70
Your boss sends you home to sober up0.70
You get caught picking your nose.0.70
one nipple gets hard and pokes you shirt all day but the other one stays normal0.70
You get caught surfing Cockeyed.com at work and boss thinks it is porn0.70
Youre band gets the worst review ever: The less said about Melvyn the better. They were so bad my wife asked repeatedly to leave. That was the whole thing.0.70
You laugh so hard that salsa passes out of your nose.0.70
you miss the bus to school0.70
Stepping in dog crap and not knowing that you are smearing it everywhere.0.70
You pet the nice doggy, then smell your hand.0.70
Walking out fo the bathroom with a trailer.0.70
You step on your favorite earring and not realize it and it sticks to the bottom of your shoe all day and is totally scuffed up and broken when you find it.0.70
Your microwave burrito is so hot it burns your tongue yet it is still frozen in places, and you are already out of the house and cannot microwave it more.0.70
You fart while giving a report at the front of the class.0.70
Your friend rips out your three inch long arm hair that randomly grew0.70
you have a voucher for a free large coke at McDonalds and they give you a medium coke0.70
you keep getting mail that says register for the draft when you alredy registered like over a year ago0.73
everybody makes fun of you because you like to eat canned greenbeans and cabbage and other so-called weird foods. Girl, you know they just JEALous!0.73
you keep getting mail to register for the draft... but you are 39 years old!0.73
You get spam in your email.0.74
your boyfriend makes you sleep in the wet spot0.74
You do a lethal-level fart in an enlosed sleeping bag/tent/spacesuit/spaceship0.76
you miss the green light0.90
you spot a dead thing on the side of the road0.90
Waking up on Valentines Day to the sound of sex through the walls, and you're all alone.0.90
your date wakes you up in the night to tell you that you wet the bed -- twice!0.90
you chip your tooth on a piece of Bazooka bubble gum.0.90


someone asks you for spare change
1.00
You come up with a web page that uses the term Dolor and everybody thinks you mean dollar1.00
that sickening clunk as the door closes behind you and you realise you left your keys on the kitchen counter1.00
You get home from work and find a booger on your shirt that must have been there all day.1.00
half hour late for school with a major test in first period because you stopped to take home a lost dog and the owner never even thanks you for it.1.00
You drink what you think is water, but it turns out to be Sprite... and you cant stand carbonation.1.00
Waking up for your only morning class and sitting in class for 20 min., only to realize that class has been cancelled.1.00
you think you shut a mosquito OUT of your sleeping bag but actually trapped it IN the sleeping bag. It bites you on the eyelid while you are sleeping and you wake up with your eye swollen shut.1.30
my friends kitten broke loose from her grip in my car and hid under my brake pedal while going about 65 mph on the freeway1.30
you ignore schoolwork to build a website but no one comes to visit your site1.31
you use Microsoft Windows because you want to1.32
You are forced to use MicroSoft Windows1.40
you remember you left your tampon in while your having sex1.40
X -10 again1.41
you get the Macarena song stuck in your head1.45
you get stuck in an elavator playing Hanson music1.45
you get an insect bite1.50
After buying a new CD, you are unable to get the cellophane wrapping off without breaking the case1.50
you wake up with 10 mesquito bites1.50
Cooked spaghetti noodles bubble up into your bathtub from the sink of the apartment next door.1.50
a bird craps on you1.60
a bird craps on your head in front of your 2 big brothers1.70
you have a job in which the birds that crap on your head are an occupational hazard1.70
stuck in a boring conversation on the bus1.80
you forget to put on a bra & go to work1.80
you have to keep pausing the movie because your roommate keeps going to the bathroom1.80
you get to work and realize you forgot deoderant, and its HOT1.80
you only get hit on by weird foreigners over 50 and homeless drunkards1.80
you step on a standing toothpick1.80
you are stuck in traffic behind an idiot with 1,000 racist bumper stickers1.85
they interrupt your regularly scheduled program1.90
BOUNCED A CHECK BECAUSE YOUR ACCOUNT WAS $1.25 SHORT1.90
mistaken for a movie star you hate1.90
your boyfriend and his suitemates leave the toilet seat up without you realizing it so you fall in1.90
You are a lamer and have to type in ALL CAPS beacuse its just way to hard to capitalize only proper nouns like Dave and Justice Department.1.90
drinking contraceptive sponge water1.91
Someone leaves a Barry Mannilow CD playing over and over again in repeat mode.1.97
your favorite team loses a regular-season game2.00
You get a song stuck in your head2.00
you open the oven and the cake you are baking caves in2.00
Mom & 13yr old son look at Cockeyed and see anal sex gif2.00
favourite lipstick colour discontinued2.00
you misplace your wedding ring2.00
You accidentally say 'Hi my name is Gwen and I am here to wash your vagina' at the DMV because that's your real job and you say it all day long. I really just needed to renew my license and get an eye test. He almost called security.2.00
The World Trade Center is attacked on your birthday, putting a slight damper on the procedings2.00
The resteraunt manager unplugs the jukebox after you spend $5 to play Kokomo 25 times in a row2.00
Some random person squeezes your arse lovingly in a crowd.2.00
accidently dropping your last joint out the car window2.00
You realize your nipples are bigger then your girlfriends.2.00
You go to be bathroom number 2 only to realize there is no toilet paper and having to sit on the toilet for an hour waiting for someone to go out and buy more TP2.00
two words: DRUNK DIALING2.00
NO ONE LAUGHS AT THE JOKE YOU THINK IS HILARIOUS2.07
Your alarm clock doesn't go off.2.07
you are woken up at 6a.m. by the sound of the hundreds of soda cans you left out the night before for recycling being crushed by a homeless man2.07
You wake up 5 minutes before your alarm clock goes off2.07
the alarm clock did go off2.07
Some jackass at a coffeestand in the airport won't give you a cup of ice water, even though you know damn well he has both ice and water behind that little booth, and it wouldnt be that much trouble to put them together in a cup..2.07
You fail to silence a fart in public.2.10
you are sitting in the computer lab and the person behind/next to you is unable to go more than 34 seconds without hocking and snorting their phlegm back out of their sick, sick throat so that they can breathe2.10
You lose your right shoe from your favorite pair at a Green Day concert, deciding to live rather than go back into the giant punching knot of bodies to get it2.10
Your dad tells you that you/ll never find any friends unless you dress like a nice young lady2.20
you go to a strip club & you only have 5s2.30
You get asked if you're pregnant when you're not2.30
your ex loses 10 pounds, ditches the mullet, gets a fashion sense and runs into you at the grocery store the one time you decided to go unshowered and in pajamas with the white spit-stuff still in the corners of your mouth.2.32
you get caught in the rain2.50


Jehovah's Witnesses visit your home
2.60
The song you are downloading from Napster times out2.60
you lose only one contact lens and didn't bring glasses2.60
you are a Jehovahs Witness and one night some idiot neighbor paints a US flag on your house2.60
"lightbulb burns out, and you can't replace it until the next day"2.70
the batteries in your walkman die mid-run2.80
the whole container of garlic powder dumps onto your dinner2.90


you burn your dinner
3.00
Your eye twitches.3.00
you figure out you are wearing your shirt backwards, but your not at home3.00
You realize your fly is open, in public, two hours after going to the bathroom3.00
You run out of asprin during a major headache.3.00
When you go to have a nice piece of the chocolate cake, the one that took you three hours to make the day before, and find that your siblings, one of which said he didn't like the cake in the first place, have eaten all it, including the crumbs.3.00
You're gullible3.00
you somehow lock your self IN the car3.00
a hanging bogie3.00
your backpack makes the back of your dress ride up exposing your ass3.00
You realize your fly is open, in public, two hours after going to the bathroom, and youre not wearing any underwear.3.00
You just washed your hands in the sink and notice you have a huge waterspot `right there`3.10
You get someone elses laundry mixed up with your own3.10
You have to walk in to a REALLY stinky bathroom to wash your hands only to leave and find a long queue outside who are now convinced that you made the stink.3.14
stuck in a boring conversation on a long flight3.20
You get someone elses laundry mixed up with your own - its their underwear - and there are skid marks...3.20
A bird poops on your windshield3.50
someone asks if you ever wash your face3.50
you have leftovers of a really good meal, box it up, and accidentaly leave it on the table at the restaurant3.50
you know that your best friends boyfriend has been unfaithful to her with another good friend3.50
Leaving all your car windows open during a thunderstorm, and not realizing til after3.50
You get a nasal cavity swab for whooping cough that feels like it is scraping the front of your brain3.50
You put diesel in a petrol car (or vice versa)3.54
You get a papercut3.60
your 12 year old cousin keeps asking you to buy him liquor, cigarettes, or porn3.70
"Your friends have the wait-staff sing ""Happy Birthday"" to you"3.80
you answer the phone while you're having sex, and it's Brian, from New Mexico3.80
Someone doesn't like your Web site3.80
Your dog successfully mates with your couch pillow3.80
youre about to get fired and everyone in the office knows it before you do3.80
I agreed to an offer of pork in the can then realized he wasnt talking about food3.84
The person you are having sex with answers the phone.3.84
get an ugly groupie3.85


you run out of clean socks
4.00
your clothesline breaks and your comforter lands in the alley.4.00
You take a really foul-smelling sh*te and everyone knows it was you and teases you mercilessly for it.4.00
stepping into a swimming pool and the bottom is slimy!4.00
you stub your toe4.10
The cup holder in new car punctures your coffee cup, causing a faucet-like leak all over everything4.10
you get an ingrown nose hair4.10
When shooting pool, you miss the shot, but get the perfect leave for the next shot.4.11


you find a hair in your egg McMuffin
4.20
your upstairs neighbor likes to listen to ghetto booty love music when he and his girlfriend screw at 3 am4.20
you find an egg McMuffin in your Hair4.20
you run out of marijuana4.20
Lose a boot in the mud4.21
Accidently put Egg McMuffin in mouth4.25
someone keeps calling and hanging up4.30
You are forced to watch every Pauly Shore movie ever made ... all in one night.4.30
Your hosting company goes down for un/scheduled mantince without notifying customers4.40
Your 55-year old mother looks better than you do.4.40
All your relatives lose weight and you/re the only fat one left4.45
Your TV goes fuzzy and starts to make weird noises4.46
you get a giant zit on your face4.50
PRETTY GIRL CATCHES YOU READING AN AD IN THE ADULT PERSONALS4.50
You think it's your sweetheart waking you up with a kiss, but it's really his skanky-ass dog licking your face.4.50
You forget that you shouldn't add concentrated sulfuric acid to boiling water and it explodes all over everything but you.4.50
piercing leg cramps during sex4.50
you unexpectedly run out of toilet paper4.70
your asparagus goes bad in the vegetable drawer4.80
you are eating steak on a first date, and while chewing you discover that your 'Medium' turns out to be raw4.80
You ask a girl to dance and she says Go away, you re gay (you re a guy)4.90
the guys at KTST The Twister in OK City arrange a radio interview with you, but then they never call.4.95
you step in gum5.00
you get pink eye5.00
when you sneeze, snot comes flying out.5.00
locked out of my car5.00
You get a flat tire and then lock your keys in the car during a blizzard5.00
Getting a pus-oozing boil on your ass-cheek that hurts when you sit5.00
Your best suit gets eaten by moths5.00
The super cuts the bldgs water main off just as I was really into lathering up with shampoo5.00
you hit your funny bone5.10
You find yourself desperatly wanting to contribute to the bad things, but can't think of anything bad enough.5.15
you go to the store to pick up a 2 liter of coke, only to get home and find out it is already flat5.15
something shoots out of your mouth and lands on the shirt of who you are talking to5.20
you wash a kleenex with a load of laundry5.20
you wash a pack of gum with your laundry5.20
You fart in an empty elevator and a person gets on at the next floor5.20
ACCIDENTALLY WASHING MY LAUNDRY WITH A PACK OF LISTERINE BREATH STRIPS THAT DISSOLVE WITH SALIVA AND LAUNDRY CAME OUT SMELLING LIKE LISTERINE5.20
You accidently drop an entire box of fabric softener sheets in with your laundry and now whenever you fart it smells like bounce5.20
leaving car windows down during cloudburst, then the car smells like mildew for weeks and getting the upholstery deep-cleaned costs US$300!5.20
They forget the fries in the drive-thru5.30
Have to ride your bike home - oh fun, it's pouring rain5.30
A cassette tape melts in your car-s tape deck so that it plays but will not eject. This also prevents the car radio from working.5.30


someone drinks your last beer
5.40
Your boyfriend runs up your credit card and borrows $2000 from your parents for school, then leaves you 2 months later.5.40
your mom wastes your last imported beer making a cake5.41
you ruin your favorite pan5.50
you are caught in the rain and you are wearing suede5.50
My bird pooped on the only pair of clean jeans that I had.5.50
you read the whole list of bad things while you should be working5.50
You run into an old acquaintance of the opposite sex and go through that awkward kiss-or-handshake fumble.5.55
the batteries in your walkman die mid-transatlantic flight5.60
you drop your just-finished dinner5.60
While renting a video, the clerk accidentally switches your movie with some art film in a foreign language5.60
Some kids steal your garden hose.5.60
Everyone knows your exact measurement ``down there``5.75
you discover the disk has been stolen out of the DVD you just bought5.80
you send a secret note to someone telling them how much you like them and they guess it's you on the first guess5.80
your ISP goes down in the middle of an important download5.80
you send a secret note to someone telling them how much you like them and they never guess its you..instead they talk to you for an hour about who else it could be5.80
you wake up from siesta to find out night has already fallen5.80
you are stuck behind a car that won't turn out on a windy mountain road for 20 minutes.6.00
you fall in the mud in front of this really cute guy you've been eyeing all year and he not only helps you up but offers to let you wipe the mud on his shirt.6.00
You send a letter to someone you like....and they think it is from someone else and hook up with her/him.6.00
Bad ThingDolor Value


More Bad Things: Part 1: Uncomfortable | Part 2: Lousy | Part 3: Crushing | Part 4: Epic



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September 7th, 2002 Terms and Conditions Copyright 2002 Cockeyed.com