Wondering why the citizens of California are on the verge of replacing
their Governor? I'll tell you why, the whole state is falling apart!
I started with my own list of concerns below, then asked a few friends to
help with their own observations.
- Penniless hospitals forced to pickpocket their anesthetized patients.
- 40% of all schools destroyed or in flames.
- Courthouses put up for lease.
- Children forced to rent Playstation 2 games instead of buying them outright.
- Athlete's shoes no longer made in Paris or Milan, imported instead from Taiwan or China.
- Internet communications besieged by phony sales letters.
- Roads covered with black ice, storm-drains flowing with blood.
- Once fertile central valley now yields deadly tomatoes.
- Cell phone reception occasionally less reliable than traditional land-based phone lines.
- Satellite dishes average just 25% the size of earlier models.
- Outdoor temperatures and rainfall can no longer be accurately predicted.
- New California State Quarter to feature old-style railroad hobo.
- Once clean rivers now jammed with insects, plants and fish.
- Department of Motor Vehicles now strangled with bureaucratic red tape.
- More than 80% of entire grape yield reduced to fermenting mash.
- Olympic Games moved.
- Skyrocketing gasoline prices forcing switch to dorky electric vehicles.
|Rob from RetroCrush
- Hell ran out of room and the dead walk the earth.
- Due to casino donation corruption, schoolchildren forced to eat Indian corn.
- Neither the Lakers or Kings made it to the finals this year.
- 30% of the State's revenue is now derived from Blockbuster late fees.
|Steve from The Sneeze
- Buildings and lives threatened by violent patches of shaking Earth.
- Mutant hornets and bees develop painful "stingers."
- The suspicious death of Bob Hope.
- Rampant infants found urinating in perfectly good diapers.
- "Becker" renewed for 5th season.
- Crooked cops look the other way as ambulances and fire trucks blatantly fail to stop at red lights.
- Rush hour often longer than one hour.
- Cutbacks on Death Row lead to combination Last Meal/Execution with single dinner from Arby's.
- High fives reduced to high fours.
- Kittens, bunnies only 80 percent as cute.
- San Andreas Fault actually Davis's fault.
- Foreheads and "frown lines" of thousands of women injected with nerve-freezing agent.
- Kids now staying up way past their bedtimes.
- 31 Flavors reduced to 25.
- El Pollo Loco completely off meds.
- Number of unpopped kernels at bottom of bag increased by 20 percent.
- Mars swollen beyond all comprehension.
- Sweaters itchier than ever.
- Wobbles in tables, chairs up by 40 percent.
- Dates end in 55 percent less frenching.
- Surfers now just hanging eight.
- San Francisco's famous It's It ice cream sandwiches revealed to not actually be it.
- Golden Gate Bridge, the Hollywood sign, and San Diego Zoo's giant panda, Hua Mei, now
Matthew from Defective
- Escondido Honda forced to slash prices on 2003 models for one weekend only.
- New cost-cutting 'econo-schools' built without windows, doors.
- Sporting events now preceded with the singing of Limp Bizkit's
- McDonalds selling "Melancholy Meals".
- Recent congressional proclamation "encourages" state to sink into ocean by 2014.
- California dreamin' down 17%.
- Fresno-area clowns crying on the inside.
- Fucking mutt won't stop with the goddamned barking.
- State Seal now depicts Calvin peeing on a Ford logo.
- Whole state lousy with teens.
- Influx of immigrants who pronounce the state "Collifona".
- Those damn dirty apes.
- The central valley finally revealed not to be the thrilling vacation resort paradise that we've been hearing about for all these years.
- Gangsta's forced to downgrade to regular ol' gangsters.
- Due to cutbacks, the states homeless population reduced to being dead.
- Not as many police chases being viewed from helicopters on television.
- Tourist sick and tired of standing around and waiting for one of those
earthquakes to happen.
- Out of state surf board wax producers skyrocketing rates.
- Trying to put the dotcom bubble back together with rubber cement.
- UV rays from the sun mutating people's skin to a golden tan.
- Avocados revealed to not be as confident as their ad campaign would lead you to believe.
- Being forced to spoon with Nevada.
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