How about a special one-time payment from your friendly federal government?
Florida
Thursday 20th of March 2008 2:34 am
How about a special one-time payment from your friendly federal government? |
 Payments from traffic speeders who want to "take care of the fine right away" |
 Big blood donation. |
 Robbing a dry cleaners |
 Finding D.B. Cooper's stash. |
 Start no-name website, get bought out by big company 6 years later for 15 billion. |
 Get a bunch of small bills and cover them in pure Maple Syrup to increase their value. |
 Selling your cheating ex's collectibles in a DIVORCE EXTRAVAGANZA on Ebay. Great catharsis and CASH!!! (I got a natural
south seas hell of a big black pearl and a trip to Australia and New Zealand!) |
 You could be out one day, shooting for food, when up from the ground comes bubblin' crude.
Oil, that is. Black gold. Texas T. |
 Stumble upon the 'Scandal Of The Century' and receive hush money in sizable increments regularly. |
 Start a prostitution ring! |
Become the Governor and receive money and kickbacks for contract priority. |
 Raise property taxes! |
 Sell a kidney! |
 Birthday cheques from grandparents.
|
 Compensation for wrongful imprisonment. |
 Plastics! |
 Elect a republican! |
 Several children = several welfare checks. Big money, no wammies! |
Discover cure for cancer.
Haha, just kidding... I mean "miracle" weight loss cure. |
 Other bodily fluid donations... plasma... bone marrow... |
 Delay Satellite radio merger while cashing lobbyist checks |
Successfully counting to five... or maybe a wealthy aunt decides to make up for decades of ignoring the family by trying
to give money to everyone. |
Become a YouTube sensation |
 Be the close friend of someone involved in a newsworthy scandal. Sell your story to the movies. |
 Rather than hoarding all of my internal organs (I do have two of a couple if them!) I like to sell off the "spare parts"
for big money! |
1. Collect Underpants
2. ????
3. Profits! |
Buy a house using an interest-only adjustable rate mortgage and flip that baby! |
 Cattle rustlin'. |
 Recently a deposed Nigerian prince came into some money. Once I send him four thousand dollars, he'll be able to bribe
the government to give him 12 million dollars, of which I'll get a cool four million! I must be the luckiest guy in
the world to accidentally get a copy of his e-mail! |
Marry rich |
 Sell lots of oddities on eBay using secret code word "pule" in all listings. |
sell all your plasma in one sitting. |
 Find a Corn Flake that sorta looks like a State (if you quint) and sell it on ebay for thousands. |
Sell Kirby Vacuums door to door - big money ! |
 Win a beauty contest, collect $10! |
 The derby is only a few weeks away... |
if you're of the female persuasion, sell your eggs. they go for big money. |
 Herbalife |
 Rob drug dealers, who they gonna tell? |
Divorce Paul McCartney |
Learn alchemy and turn lead into gold. |
Be favored by your family and marry someone who is also favored by their family. Also, the families have money. |
Feb 2008
Pella, IA - A couple in Iowa are $100,000 richer after a mysterious man gave them a blank check in a café, telling
them to write any amount they like. The catch is they have to use the money for a home and name their next child after
him. |
First officer to find the stash of cash at a drug bust... yeah, it was uh $500, right... it's all here. |
Accept an indecent proposal. |
Getting a bunch of website domain names like impeachobama.com and impeachhilary.org registered so when it comes time to
kick them out of office, you can see the domain for $$$. |
 1) Treasure hunting whether on land, sea, or in the air.
2) Buy some weird multi-colored foreign currency, wait for the US economy to crater.
3) Owe a lot of money, wait for US economy to go into hyperinflation, pay off your debts with what now takes you mere
seconds to earn. This is more like an anti-windfall of negative cash. Two negatives make a positive. |
Game show winner |
 Run for election and gather lots of money from the Internets. |
Microsoft's trademark on the word "Windows" is shaky, so they can't actually win an infringement case. So just start a
company that sounds like "Windows" and wait for them to give you a big payoff to change it. (See "Lindows" and
"wxWindows") |
Eat your boogers and invest your grocery money. |
 Find and sell the rare Michigan puzzle piece to a collector. |
 be the 15th caller |
Porn! |
 Go through attic and find rare collectable baseball card, vintage metal lunchbox or original Barbie in unopened box.
Sell for profit. |
Open Al Capone's vault. Worked for Geraldo, didn't it? |
I would like to formally protest Maryland's picture. I live in Maryland, I know Maryland, and that's no Maryland! |
Hey, this isn't New Jersey! Plus, it looks just like the Maryland piece, which apparently doesn't look like Maryland
anyway! |
Adopt an orphan child who gets inspiration to start a company that gives teddy bears to other impoverished children. |
 Get Warren Buffett to adopt you. |
 Successfully print it out yourself! |
 Where's Canada, you insensitive clod? Up here, you can make money shovelling snow. I hear setting up a website to
promote the heck out of some device such as say, a magnifying glass hooked up to a TV, may get you some coin (I don't
blame you for it...I'd do it too). |
Becoming an "entertainer" for politically powerful people. Having your identity discovered. Getting Book and movie deals
from doing something fun. |
Two words: Black Market Poi |
Get famous by eating more potatoes than anyone has ever eaten -- and live. |
Last night I met this guy and I'm gonna do a little favor for him. |
Follow the instructions in that nice African man's email. |
run a lame ass site about "what's inside" and clever "pranks" |
 Buy a losing baseball team for peanuts, then turn it into a winning baseball team in a matter of years while still
offering affordable prices and attracting annoying fans from a neighboring city (because your tickets are less than
half of what their tickets cost), then increase your prices on both tickets and parking fivefold! |
 Ask your unemployed friend how much you would have to pay him to have sex with a chicken. Pay him that money, then sell
tickets, and video tape the "act". Not only do yo make money from the tickets, but if your friedn ever gets a job,
you've got a nice blackmail video. |
Simply refute the existence of money and laws. |
Stumble across drug deal gone bad. Leave brown powder & swipe case of money. This never ever goes wrong. |
From how much is inside, I know I could do one of two things: hijack a truckload of printer ink, or hijack a truckload
of Channel No. 5 |
Steal a shopping cart and start filling it up with empty cans while begging people for change. Collect enough change to
purchase a bottle of glue and a canvas. Glue all the cans to the canvas and sell it for a huge sum as art from your
"Homeless" period. Repeat as necessary. |
 CRAM HAM INTO YOUR MOUTH |
Open a Casino! |
 Come to Las Vegas! If you know the system, you can't possibly lose! |
It's easy once you get all your chakras aligned. |
Find gold bars in garage sale piano you bought. Sounds crazy but it has happened.
warning: this is taxable income.
http://www.law.uh.edu/faculty/wstreng/FederalIncomeTax/07.html
Treasure Trove
p. 196
Reg. §1.61-14(a) requires inclusion in gross income of treasure trove.
E.g., finding cash in the purchased piano. Cf., the painting purchased at a garage sale which is subsequ |
start a pyramid scheme! |
Get a job! |
Start a chain letter, requiring everyone to mail you a $1, then send out a million copies! SWEET! |
Develop the next iSomething. |
Find obscure vintage record(s) in used record shop. Sell to obscenely rich collectors. |
Start music career. Record a few songs. Upload to web for consumer download with nominal fee. Get mixed up in crazy
scandal to drive traffic to your sites and your music. |
strike oil on your land and start a new gold rush!! |
Rob, you said "they mentioned five scenarios" but then you only listed four of them. Discrepancy? |
Become a half-assed crappy govenor. |
Travel halfway across this great state to purchase all the oil drilling rights surrounding the single holdout's land,
and drink up all his oil. Drink it up! |
Become the next American Idol! Or Top Model! Or Biggest Loser! or stop watching reality TV! |
Chinese Buffet. |
Get $600 from the government just for filing your taxes this year. |
Drug Trafficking |
Sell the children, since they're not old enough to work yet anyway. |
...or, get the kids to work for you in a grotesque miniature assembly line; churning out endless supplies of tedddy
bears with no arms, remote controlled cars that dont work, and/or only right running shoes.
Also, I agree with "washington" above: no Canada? well, if i gotta choose my own state, I choose Delaware! |
Build a bridge that hundreds of thousands of people use and ignore the heck out of its condition, then have it fall
apart. Declare it a tragedy and claim federal funds to "rebuild". Blow the money on hookers and booze. |
AMWAY! |
Ransom money! |
Strike black gold! |
 Become a pimp |
Sell classified information to the Russians and refrain from spending the money on a new car and orthodontia work for
your stripper mistress. |
 Baldwin family therapist? |
Sell a stack of pancakes on EBAY! |
Sell your house and move into an apartment. Pocket the equity you had built up in your home. |
Sell a million pixels for a dollar each, drop out of school because you think you're too smart, and then watch your
fortune dwindle as you fruitlessly try to duplicate your flash in the pan before fading into obscurity. |
Make him an offer he can't refuse. |
Persuade the federal government to subsidize a new kind of lower-efficiency fuel made from a traditional food crop.
Plant all you can and sell it for fuel, thus driving up the price of livestock and other crops because everyone and his
dog are planting this fuel crop. Sit back and watch the checks bulge out of the mailbox! |
Let a religion practically run your legislature so only the members will want to live there. Then, require everyone
left to give 10% of their income to the religion, lest they not be g'wine up to hebben and they rot in hail-uh.
Mass-produce mystical undergarments and require everyone to purchase several sets. Lucrative market for
anti-depressants! |
Whatever you do, you better plan on tithing. Mormon and his book won't be happy if you don't. |
Wow, two Utah crazies, back to back! Maybe you oughtta caucus to see who the better Utah is. |
 vote independant! |
Hey, Iowa, that pig looks suspiciously corn-fed. Are you holdin' out on the ethanol industry??
You should move a sports team to your state but don't change the team's name so it now makes no sense at all for where
it is. Just ask Los Angeles. |
We do like baseball. I can see it now - the Des Moines Marlins! Now if we can just find some baseball-obsessed farmer
who'll cut his corn crop down for a ball diamond... |
We really wanted to get the Cardinals or the Padres, but the legislature wouldn't hear of it... |
Count cards. |
Win a guitar Hero contest. |
 Find the image of the virgin mary/mother theresa/other revered person on bagel/corn flake/Cinnabon/toast and sell on
ebay! |
Sell tobacco in prison. |
Amway, baby! |
Tomacco |
Be walking through a park and have an older follow hand you a large sum of money saying "I only have a few months to
live. I have taken care of myself and my family and wanted to give the rest of my fortune to a total stranger. Enjoy!"
Wouldn't that be neat! |
cash literally falling in the wind, to you, maybe your house |
Magic genie grants wishes |
Sell and organ or two... |
 Ed McMahon stops by to tell you you've won the publisher's clearinghouse sweepstakes. |
Develop the "next" social networking site. |
 STEAL IT! |
What did Delaware? Idaho. A New Jersey. |
Make jigsaw pieces that include the UK & the rest of the world ;-)
Looks like I'm adopting Colorado to represent me ;-) |
clip coupons every week! |
Move to Alaska: Permanent Fund Dividend! |
Sell your "services" to an important government official, say the governor of a highly populated state, and then sell
the story to the media. |
Bugger off to another country and start all over again. |
Live in Alaska for a full year - get over $1,000 a year from the on! |
Round down, and move all the fractions of pennies to your own bank account. It's only a fraction of a cent, no one
misses it, but if you do it millions of times a day... |
Bribe the county sheriff with all the locations of meth labs you know of in your town for lots of money. |
I don't know, that gal's lawsuit settlement check idea sounds pretty sweet. For the lawyers, anyway. |
Deal or No Deal |
Sell Michigan to Canada. It's already so poor it can't afford a primary, so why not? |
Steal your neighbor's trash, put it on a table in the parking lot of the flea market next to the Giant Jesus for 100%
profit. |
Discover your knack for selling snow to eskimos and make out like a bandit. |
Hovercraft |
Find it in an old lunch box hidden in your dad's room.
sell a bunch of crap on ebay.
become a pan-handler, begger, what have you.
out of cort settlement.
Become and actor or actress.
sell a movie to the Disney channel.
I am from Ontario, Canada. |
Sell detailed instructions for turning tap water into HYDROGEN GAS you can use to run your car! Only $19.95! But wait!
There's more!... |
Discovering that a Michael Jackson promotional CD you were given at work back when you were 20, listened to once, and
never though about again, is worth $125 on eBay! Yes, it happened to me. |
 They only had four (4) suggestions. How about finding a large ancient village under your backyard. |
*CACKLE* |
Start a religion based on aliens and paying lots of money to you. |
Start a Contemporary Christian rock band. |
Suing a doctor for giving you a new anus instead of fixing your leg. |
Steal the US Constitution and then use magical lenses to interpret the invisible message on the back that leads to a
treasure hidden by America's founding fathers. And guarded by the Freemasons or Knights Templar or something. |
make coffee. |
Sell the alien bodies on ebay. |
Nazi Gold! |
Monorail. |
Sell a cornflake shaped like me! |
Start a cult, it worked for that dingbat apple guy. Hey-oh!
Or sell your eye or other unnecessary organs. |
Pretend you're psychic and start a hotline and website. Then only tell people they'll have good fortune, because
nobody'll come back if you say their life'll suck. If anyone's life sucks afterwards and they complain, tell them fate
works in mysterious ways and convince them their bad luck was needed to lead to good luck or that it was going to be
much worse but you fixed it for them. |
don't eat my peaches.. they are poisonous |
Write a 'my husband beats me and men are no good' screen play and sell it to Lifetime. Doesn't matter if it's the same
as all the others, they'll love it. |
successfully fix the automotive industry! and take the profits! |
pick up old computers from the local dump, bring them home and scavenge the parts that still work, then sell them on
ebay for 100% profit. |
buy it in china, sell it in America. |
 Selling back college texts books |
Come up with an insane plan to switch the values of the euro and the dollar, and watch the money pour in! Take that,
European bargain hunters! ;) |
Sell back the upper peninsula, no one really lives there anyway... |
three card monty |
BEING A PROSTITUTE AND FUCKING YOU COCKERHAM |
1) Become Elvis.
2) Obtain Graceland (it's rightfully yours, after all)
3) Sell Graceland.
4) Profit! |
Check your phone bill for fraudulent charges, then call your phone company and give them hell till they give you full
credit, rendering your bill for the month completely void. Invest that money.
(Actually, most people should do this. Phone companies rip people off way more than they should get away with). |
Find lead in something. Sue. |
1)Be the 49th state.
2)???
3) profit |
That's only 4 ways, Rob! Talk about skimping on the content!
More seriously, um a bonus at work probably wouldn't be huge unless you're already rich. So I'd say holding up one of
those money-change places. *nods* Or become like, super-good at sport. |
Dig for an outhouse, strike oil! |
Purchase a pack of Crayola brand jelly beans and file a complaint insisting that it was filled with human feces. I have
never done this nor have ever seen this done, but I am certain it will work. |
1. Kidnap a millionaires butler
2. demand lots of money for ransom.
3. Join the Super-rich
4. ???
5. Profit |
Lose a close relative to the war in Iraq:
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/03/22/nyregion/22benefits.html
Sad story of how some of these beneficiaries do not actually benefit from being showered with cash after the death of a
family member. |
Pass Go, collect 200 dollars. |
Start brewing moonshine |
Beat Happy in gold |
Advertise your dumb website in one of the four boxes on the cockeyed.com front page. |
Get really fat and then hibernate through the winter.
By the way, maybe you should put in other countries along with the United States; Alamba is the closest-sounding thing
to Australia. |
pretend to be a hobo |
Trust fund! |
 Payday loans! |
Save lots of money on car insurance! |
Make every package, bottle, cup, & food vessel have a cash deposit. This is how I got my funds as a kid. Bring back
deposits on Pepsi bottles!! |