Cockeyed

Cockeyed.com Reader Appreciation Week

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Tuesday, January 22, 2003
for years i've seen these stupid ads and have ALWAYS wondered what they were about, but luckily was not stupid enough to waste my money to find out, altho i always thought about doing it just to find out - CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT. Well you've put an end to my curiosity!!!! Well done on your detective work...and I will pass yur link on to my entire email database and spread ur message. Regards, Daryl (Cape Town,South Africa)
Subject: clone army Mark E.
Your site is one of the best I've come across. I came across it accidentally when one of my friends liked to you on his weblog. Since then I can't stop checking out your site. It's like smack, but without the horrible loss of friends, money and teeth. You keep me laughing at work, and have filled my brain with even more useless trivia as to how much is inside things. Keep up the fanatbulous job! Pete Joseph
Dear Rob, I just read your "investigative" report on the Herbalife scam and the "work from home" sign epidemic. I just emailed it to my Husband. We were just about to call the "independent distributor" back today that I had been speaking with to get started. I am almost embarrassed to admit it. Anyway, you saved us from a lot of lost money, aggravation and self respect. In my case I was pulled into this "secret" success scam by viewing the "work from home system" website on the net. After doing exactly what you described up until actually purchasing the start up package, I was starting to believe it wasn't a total scam. I usually NEVER believe in any of those "work at home" ads, but they have a real system for hooking people like lake trout. The people who really do need the extra income. I feel like such a jerk because after speaking to this distributor, a girl from western Michigan, she really had me convinced it was worth it, even though she "neglected" to inform me of the details in which you provided. The sad thing is that I never once took into consideration all of those awful signs. I live in Northern New Jersey and they are EVERYWHERE here too. And they are polluting the streets, the colored water filled plastic bags was too funny. But sad. Anyway, thank you again for bringing me back down to "reality"....Have a peaceful and happy New Year!!! Rose from Jersey....
I really enjoy your site. My cat, however, was not amused (see pic). In all fairness, she cops this attitude towards most anything not realted to food or spiders. Thomas
Bad Thing To follow the 'Crucified Upside down' : Whilst being crucified upside down, your legs are torn open by the spikes that were nailed through them, causing your legs to fall infront of your face, breaking your back, leaving you paralyzed. Slowly, the weight of your body rips the stakes through your forearms. You fall limply to the ground. While crumpled on the ground like a rag doll, like a scarecrow without the straw, maggots enter the oozing crevasses created by the iron stakes. Lucky you, you’re paralyzed & feel nothing. Slowly, day after day, they feed on your nutrient rich tissue. Below the elbow, no arm remains. Below the knees, no legs remain. The maggots steadily progress toward your torso. Lucky for you, the overnight frost kills them off. The next day when it warms up, they begin to feed again. And the process repeats day after day until you are but a heap of bones. Lucky you. S. Erisman
Subject: Noble Causes List Just wondering if you were planning on adding more WWW links to this list. It would be my pleasure to do all the homework for you, and the cutting and pasting of URLS, if you are interested.
Hi there Just came across your "Great Gastronomic Vegemite Experiment" as I was browsing some sites. Just thought I'd give a little tip on where you probably went wrong and why you couldn't spread it anywhere near thin enough. You didn't use butter/margarine! LOL! You really need to put a layer of either butter or margarine on the bread first. This facilitates the spreading of the vegemite, so that you can get it thin enough to taste good. If you put vegemite onto dry bread, it's going to go on way too thick every time. You really need it thin to the point of being quite streaky with the marge. If ya really need pictures to describe it better, let me know and I'll see what I can do. Anyway, I'm sure you're sick to death of hearing about vegemite, and that every man, woman and child has emailed you with information. Just thought I'd add to the chaos. :-) Tracy http://www.goodonyamate.com/
Hello Rob ! I saw your web page and red about your trip to the Balkans. Unfortunately you have seen nothing of what is called Bulgaria. I totally agree with what you wrote : "Boy, Bulgaria is beautiful when you go out of the city...". You should come to Bulgaria again some day. Here are some interesting places that I think you will be interested in : - the ancient churches in town of Nesebar (near Nesebar is the resort Sunny Beach and if you go there in the summer you'll have a great time) - the city of Varna, where the oldest gold treasure in the world was found dated from about 6000 years B.C. - the town of Pliska, once also capital of Bulgaria; there can be seen the remains of the old fortress (North-East from town of Shumen) - the Horseman engravement near the vilage of Madara which is more than 1000 years old (East from Shumen) - the fortress Tzarevetz, which was the capital of what is called Second Bulgarian Kingdom. It is situated in the city of Veliko Tarnovo. - the Dryanovski monastery and the cave Bacho Kiro just after the town of Dryanovo - the town of crafts Etara (actually it is not a real town) situated just after the town of Gabrovo and Sokolovski monastery just over it (you should see it in spring or summer when all the flowers in the garden are bloomed) - the Shipka peak in the Balkan mountain - the towns of Koprivshtitza and Panagyurishte - the Rila (especially the 7 Rila's lakes) and Pirin mountains and of course the Balkan (I understood that you like hiking, so I think you'll just fall in love with these ones) - the town of Bansko - beautiful resort not only in the winter, when you can go skying, but also in the summer when there are a lot of cultural events, like a jazz festival for example - the town of Melnik, who is famous for its strange location and its wines - the cave Snejanka in the Rodopi mountain ...and of course many many more... By the way no one wants to admit that there had been Bulgarians in Europe and Asia some 35 000 ago. You will find almost nowhere real facts about Bulgaria and Bulgarians. You will ask why ? Just think about where the word "vulgar" came from. Nowadays you can find it in almost any language. Historians from Byzantium and Greece called that way some people, also known as Thracians ,Huns, Scythians, Hunors...and so on, and who had enormous cultural and political influence in the whole Europe and Asia.(here are some facts - Universitato Bulgaro was the first university in Europe, found in 1119 in Bolonya; the old name of Volga river was Bolga; the Chinese's calendar and astrological sighs are actualy taken from the Bulgarians - that is 100% proven) Just think about it. Take care. Atanas Hristov
Hey man, I LOVED your article on the Herbalife!!!! WOWW. It has been long since I've last read with so much interest. I was jusp approached by someone who offered that I become a distributor of Herbalife, promising thousands of monthly income. Instead, I emailed him the link to your article. I don't think I will ever hear from her again! I think your article should be emailed indiscriminately! keep up the good work. zuhair
Hi, I'm a long-time Cockeyed reader who wishes he lived near a Safeway. I've never actually emailed before, mostly because I don't usually email much, but since you asked people to just send stuff in, here's a scan of a dollar bill I found whose serial number starts with the sequence "L337". Just thought it looked cool. o_O ~m-O
Subject: Clone Army Sarah S.
I received scintillating information today that there is more to life than drugs. There is sex and music. Literature, food, art, an entire world of wonder...... Then I had a striking realisation that maybe this was just the drugs talking...... Guy
Meanwhile, atop Mauna Kea, scientists contemplate what the universe would be like without Cockeyed.com. Moments later, the horror of this thought forces them to emigrate to Canada, and drink themselves to death John O'M.
Great site...lots of fun. So, the favour I need pricing on: (note, Canadian spelling for favour, yeah, I think it's silly too but my spell checker doesn't accept "favor") I'm at home, asleep at 2:00 in the morning when I hear an annoying ringing noise. I think "what the hell is that" but before I figure it out it goes away, so I go back to sleep. 2 minutes latter, it's back, I think "that sounds familiar, what is it?", but it goes away so I go back to sleep. 1 minute later it starts again and I realize, it's my phone!!!. I answer and hear my drunken best friend saying "hey Shteve, I'm in Mon'real, I mished the last bussh, any ideash where I could crash for the night?". Now, I don't live in Montreal, I live in Ottawa. So does he. Neither of us knows where to crash in Montreal. I say so, and he says "izz OK, I'll shleep in the park." I have a vision in my head...it's my best friend getting rolled in Montreal. I realize he wouldn't have called if he didn't want me to come and get him. We arrange a place to meet and I say I'll be there in 1-1/2 hours (note: this requires exceeding the speed limit by a good 35% the entire way there, no big deal for me actually but still....). The last thing he says is "I'll buy you breakfast at Schwartz's Smoked Meat". Schwartz's is absolutely the best smoked meat in Montreal and it's open 24h. So I get dressed, I get in my car and I drive very, very fast. At some point I narrowly miss running over a fox. I get to Montreal, find my way to the meeting place (le Musee des beaux-arts, great place, you should check it out http://www.mbam.qc.ca/a-sommaire.html) and there he is, passed out on the front steps, it's 3:45 in the morning. I pour him into the front seat and the only intelligible thing he says is "sorry man, Schwartz's is closed" before reclining the seat and going straight back to sleep! I drive around Montreal looking for a coffee shop, since I NEED coffee (I'm sure you can relate). I finally find an open coffee shop, buy a extra large, double-double and get back in the car. I take one sip and it's NUCLEAR FRIGGIN' HOT. I set it down, and point the car back towards Ottawa. A half hour latter, buddy wakes up, say's "mmmmm, coffee" and downs half the cup, before realizing it's still NUCLEAR FRIGGIN' HOT (aren't Styrofoam cups grand?), and spitting out the rest. He burns himself but still goes directly back to sleep. Fifteen minutes later he wakes up again and does exactly the same thing. I'm still an hour away from my nice warm bed, driving what is possibly the most boring stretch of road outside Kansas, and I have no coffee. So...what am I owed (please multiply by 1.5 to get Canadian funds)? On another note: A suggestion: How much is inside a bar of soap? How many washings do you get out of a bar of soap before it becomes a useless sliver? It's a mystery that needs solving and I think you're the guy to do it. I suspect there will be lots of soapy shower shenanigans (isn't alliteration fun) so choose your assistants wisely. With respect and much admiration: Steven K. Jones Ottawa, Ontario, Canada...which is close to Montreal, but not very. And yes, it's bloody cold this time of year.
After reading your little traffic ticket experience, I thought I'd share my brush with the law... I was cited for speeds of 72 Mph in a 55 mph zone. (I was in a hurry, and quite honestly was doing close to 80 when I spotted the cop) It seems here in louisville, the fine for speeding 17 miles over the limit is around $40.00, but they also tack on a mandatory $101.XX fine for court costs, whether or not you go to court. (Apparently it costs a lot for them to record "PAID" in their computer.) Fine. When I went to the courthouse to pay my fine, I was offered the chance to go to traffic school so that I wouldn't get any points against my license. I would still have to pay court costs, but not the speeding fine. So I agreed and handed the lady my bankcard to pay. (I hardly ever have more than $30.00 on me.) This is when I was informed that I would have to pay $10.00 for using a credit/bankcard.(The ticket stated I could pay with a credit card, had a place for your card # and expiration if you wanted to mail it in, and did not mention any additional charges for accepting them.) Ok, FINE. So I get the traffic school form in the mail. I have to return the form telling them which location and what time schedule I'd like to attend, along with $15 for the class. The $15 has to be either a certified check or money order--no personal checks. (I'm not sure why. I was ticketed for speeding--not for writing bad checks). Or course, money orders are a dollar or two on top of the amount they are made out for. Starting to get annoying, but ok, FINE then. So I stop at my friendly gas station yesterday, fill up on gas, and ask for a money order in the amount of $15. I go to hand the gal behind the counter my card and she says "Oh, you can't pay for this with a credit card" So I was forced to withdraw money from the atm located in the gas station and be charged $2.50 in atm fees. So, to sum it up: I paid $101.XX for court costs when I didn't go to court. I paid $10.00 because I used my bankcard. (Which makes the transaction as convenient for them as it does for me) I paid $15.00 to go to traffic school. I paid an extra dollar or two for a money order instead of writing them a personal check (even though there is no evidence to prove I have a habit of writing bad checks.) AND I paid $2.50 because they wouldn't accept my card, (even though it was good, because if it wasn't, I wouldn't have been able to use it in the first place.) Jason M.
Hey Rob, I've been reading your website for years now and I've come to the conclusion that you rock! If you're ever in the Denver area, let me know and I'll buy you a beer! (But only one, seeing as how I'm freaking-a unemployed) So its email/attachment appreciation week? I have nothing better to send, so appreciate this wonderful attachment!	Jeremy's attachment was the only one I omitted.
Hello there, sir. I simply had NO IDEA that there such interesting individuals here in this Sacramobobble. I thought all the neat people lived inside the internet. Huh. Go fish! Thanks for all the mighty hits an' such. Setting things on fire is ALWAYS in season, Stephan
Dear Mr. Cockerham, I think I am in love with you. Would you please consider moving to New York City to marry me? Thank You, Caroline
Sneakycheap goin to mardi gras in New Orleans and Buying a Paper Shredder on Mastercard to make confetti in your hotel room...then return the Paper Shredder for cash back...the day after Fat Tuesday. Catfish Cooper
Hi Rob- I am a Herbalife distributor and a very succewssful one. So are all of my team. Whats your pathetic life about- complaining about successful people and companies- herbalife- Mark Hughs and the products are Brilliant- you however, are so busy complaining about everyone elses success and making money of them whos the scam- you are idiot. Your research is pathetic, and all you do is stop real people having a go and making money- want to interview someone- Interview me- Ill tell you the truth you idiot Natalie & Joe, Australia
Just a quick note of thanks for this website! I heard a commercial about "work from home" on our christian radio station and did end up purchasing the "decision package" and spoke to "my coach" that sent me the info. I found that the next step was to spend $379 plus $20 shipping and handling for the distributor package. I DID NOT go that far. I figured research was permitted at this point before giving them anymore money. That is how I came across your site. This was the exact info I was looking for. All my questions were answered. What an amazing way get people to do the "dirty work". Anyway, thanks again for the info.....I am getting my money back by sending back their materials. They gave me a 30 day money-back guarantee. Hope your letter to your Mayor was helpful. Take care- Kristine
Hello Rob Two years- and my aim is to represent Herbalife on the Medical advisory board. We would not have a life without Herbalife- it has changed my health, my mental approach to life and my financial status- severley. I was a clinical nurse specialist- and that nearly killed me and left me financially struggling- 4 degrees in health and I was a wreck- Please please- take a look at what you are doing- no-one said Herbalife was perfect- just the best chance for the average person to make their own life fun, exciting, healthy and financial- is that such a bad thing? Natalie, Australia
G'day Mr cockeyed man, I dont remember how i found your website but my whole life changed when i did. The first article i read was "How much is inside Tobacco", and it was truly a trancindental experience. I fell out of my chair laughing. You provide a service of such indescribable good for mankind. You are the saviour of the WWW. You inspired my friends and i to copy your "How much is inside a Keg". Unfortunately i passed out before i could find my Digicam.... Anyway, best of luck for the future, hope you come Down Under some time. rahoul das Melbourne, Australia [http://www.srweb.org] PS: i had an idea for one of your articles: "How much is inside a Woman" Imagine that...
Rob, Your "How Much is Inside?" website is inspiring! I am recently un-employed in the new economy and need a way to occupy myself. You guys are just great, but I guess what I really want to know is about your very photogenic friends, Brooke and Jennifer - are they available for a long-distance short-term and/or short-sighted relationship? If not, where did you find them? (I want to place my order soon.) Cheerio! Barry
Oh, Rob, we didn't mean to leave out Jane ... she's a doll! Well, I don't know if I'll get much sleep now - after all of the laughter - it's got me all wound up ... well, yeah, that's it - probabaly nothing to do with your babes. :) Barry
Subject: Clone Army I can't wait to stick it to the The Man ... and back of my card! Todd Stadler www.{thesaltchannel,cockahoop,thetritiummiracle,ertiacreations, lowfashion,twinkiesproject}.com
Wednesday, January 23rd, 2003
Please pass this to everyone in your address book. To All: We have a store manager (Costco) from Smithtown, NY who has a 9 year old daughter that has been missing for 2 weeks. Keep the picture moving on. With luck on her side she will be found. I am asking you all, begging you to please forward this email on to anyone and everyone you know, PLEASE. My 9 year old girl, Henrietta Brown, is missing. She has been missing for now two weeks. It is still not too late. Please help us. If anyone anywhere knows anything, please contact me at: aolbeta@hotmail.com I am including a picture of her. All prayers are appreciated!! It only takes 2 seconds to forward this on. If it was your child, you would want all the help you could get. Thank you for your kindness. Hopefully you can help us. I am including a picture of her. All prayers are appreciated!! It only takes 2 seconds to forward Heinrich Beck
Hi Rob, I found your website while I was looking for some info about ebay free electronics scam. Your website is absolutely amazing! The funniest & most friendly contents I've ever seen. It really is funny, yet not rude - I like your sense of humor. In addition, I found this link on google while I was searching: http://www.geocities.com/getfreeebayscam/ Credits belong to the site owner, whom I don't even know. It contains the complete text everyone gets when they buy the scam auction. Hope it would be useful for cockeyed.com visitors. Well, keep up the good works :) Kind regards, Andy
I am sending this e-mail to everyone that I can think of. You may have a virus. Someone I know has the W32.Yaha.F@mm virus. It is an e-mail virus that sends copies of itself to everyone in your address book. I forges the header though, so you can't see who really is sending you the virus. Mine appears to be coming from "micheal floyd <mfbigdaddy@mail.com>." That's a bad e-mail address. I've gotten hundreds of copies sent to me. Norton Antivirus has been catching it, but if you have an older copy, it will bypass your antivirus software and turn it off. There is more information and a tool to remove the virus here: http://securityresponse.symantec.com/avcenter/venc/data/w32.yaha.f@mm.html I think the infected computer is left on all night, as I had about 70 copies of the virus waiting for me when I got up this morning. If you are getting the virus sent to you too, let me know. Perhaps we can figure out who is infected by figuring out who knows all the people getting sent infected e-mails. Thanks for your time. John Marcotte Biznerds Consulting Group
Robbie dear, When are you gonna hook up with ur cutie assistant Brooke Pannell? Ur darling legions of fans wanna know how much luv is inside a Cockerham! Smooches, Ivy
hey rob, i was just looking through your '1000 pictures of ambur' section - i looked at all 1000 pictures! It's interesting to see one person's life documented it detail like that, even for a couple of months. I have a digital camera as well, I try to take a couple of pictures a day (i've only had it a month), and i post every day's pictures to my site: http://www.qr5.org/snapshot. I just have a quick question - what's the name of ambur's band? matthew maaskant
hi,Rob my name is Jesus V. I was just surfing the Web and I came up with your website cool! great job in creating the Satan sculpture really great stuff. do you have more sculptures? I have lots of monster sculptures that I made out of paper. if you would like to see them I will send you pictures. keep in touch. thank you!
Rob, I have been an adoring fan of cockeyed.com for over a year now. I can't remember how I found your site, but it is bookmarked as one of my favorites. Being a chemist and working at a state university, I most enjoy your science club episodes. Some people around here don't see the humor in them, but find them quite amusing. Keep up the good work! Oh yah, some question my character when "cockeyed.com" appears in the drop down address menu of my browser. They think it's porn. Abby
Well all I have to say is that you better be grateful because that took me about an hour to write. I swear I am the next woody allen/obsessive x-file fan or something. I will be great one day and rule this world of infidels (that word is the greatest singular word that I have ever said...::sniff:: quite moving too I must say). And you my friend will own the only copy of my first insane ranting ever!!! Stand tall and cower before me..... Hope you had fun with it! Emilie
I came across your site about two years ago and was blown away. I love most of your work. I find it educationally enriching yet silly and child like. I appreciate all the work that you do and the documentation with photos of each new endeavor you take on. I am an elementary school teacher and have used several of the things that you have taught me in my classroom. Such as don't try the refill cartridges for printer ink because they are messy and may not work right. I look forward to each new tid bit you produce. Keep up the good work. Oh my favorites are when you take signs and make them dirty and see how long they go unnoticed. I laughed out loud when you had those. The "Apple Pie" was the best. Christy
Dear Mr. Cockerham I have been a big fan of yours for months. I count among one of my most prized possessions the autographed counterfeit money from your How Much is Inside a Million Dollars adventure. I heartily enjoy the How much is Inside segments. However, my favorite feature is the Incredible Creations section. I was so impressed with it in fact that it inspired me to build my own incredible creation, a home-made diving helmet. The helmet was constructed using a large water bottle and an old air compressor. I have included pictures of the device named The Kursk. With fondest regards, Geoff C, Fort Worth TX P.S. My friend Daniel T is shown wearing and operating The Kursk; I'm the dark-haired fellow.
My name is Sue. My friend told me about some spring shoes that his barber wears and I am wondering if you know where or what the name of the company is that is in El Paso, Tx? Your shoes look like fun! Thanx
AHAHAHAHA. Ummmm. You have a terrific website, sir. C Suzanne http://thepogocult.org
Hey Rob, Here's an email you probably haven't gotten yet. I am a 19 year old student from Canada who loves hockey, yet I live far away from a NHL team. I really want to see a game, and next month I have a break from school. I can fly with airmiles anywhere in the USA or Canada for free. I can afford a ticket to the game and food and other stuff, however I am a student, and can not afford a hotel for a few nights. So I started with the friends and family search, that ended when I realized everyone I know lives within a 10 mile radius of me. So, while going through my favorites list, I saw your site, and remembered you live close to San Jose, home of the Sharks. Anyways, seeing as how you are a big time celebrity, atleast on the internet, I doubt you would want to help me out, but if you do, write back. I can offer a wide selection of unique Canadian memorabilia in exchange for accomodation. Yours Truly, Andy PS- I really am a fan of your site. I found your site a long time ago when searching for people's trip reports to Europe, and I have been hooked since.
Hey Me and my friends heard of reader appreciation week and rushed to deliver. So we built the very first idea that popped up...rocket skates. Yeah we know it's a rip off of Jackass but they ripped it off from Wiley Coyote so its okay to steal a stolen idea. We first realized the need for rocket skates when are parrot first escaped. You might thinks it is odd to use rocket powered anything in hopes to catch a 'live' bird but we were fed up and the bird deserved anything that happened to him. Four wheels of high powered goodness. The project in itself was simple. We had some old rollerblades and a few model rocket engines and duct tape. With some clever taping, Chris managed to secure the rockets to the skates ensuring a smooth gliding motion rather than a pair of free flying death missiles. Since we using a duel set of rockets Chris thought it best to use to launchers instead of just one. No argument from me since it would mean less chance of a failed ignition. I was care to squat low. I didn't want the force of the rockets to knock me back on my ass. but as soon as we hooked up we launched. There was a lot of smoke but no movement. Chris said he was afraid that might happen so were making plans to purchase some bigger rockets from a hobby store. That's all so far for are rocket skate adventure but there is more to come. if you want details go to www.angelfire.com/punk2/imjustagirlnamedtom/ (popups) details will be posted here. we have more adventures to come including how much is inside a human bladder. cast and crew Blue&white squared shirt- Chris Shaum Brown shirt - Garner Durant Cute Camera girl- Jennifer Allee
I don't know you but I wanted to let you know I really enjoyed your on line "demo" of the hummingbird. i am anxious to try a little paper mache soon. Lydia
A random quote to fill up space: "You voted for Bush and all I got was this lousy recession" Minas_ithil
Hello Rob, I just want to thank you for your investigation regarding Herbalife. I too, have been a victim with investing into "other" companies without really doing my homework. You certainly have done yours. About two days ago, I heard an impressive radio ad for workparttime.com and inquired about it because I have been searching for the "right" home-based business. Ordered the $9.95 "decision package" (which is updated now according to your photos) and realized right away it was Herbalife. The reason I knew was the key words "decision pacakge and mentor". Dumb me ordered the package (that's on your sight) over 3 years ago from one of those "signs", but paid $39.95 and didn't return it. I will be sending it this package back tomorrow for a refund. Your article was very enlightening. Thank you,
Something Awful - The Internet Makes You Stupid look in the archives for the january 23rd front page. scroll down to 'the princess is north' im pretty sure thats your pic. funny stuff.. :-P
Rob, Just wanted to send you a quick note to congratulate you on an excellent piece of work with the Herbalife story. I found your website this morning after deciding to do a bit of research on a piece of junkmail my wife and I received at our home in Brisbane, Australia. The junkmail - a small flyer promoting www.thesixtyminute.com - told the story of a single mum who had achieved untold wealth and freedom by working from home. My wife is a bit bored with her job at the moment and has spoken a lot lately of starting her own business, so this really caught her eye. Being a skeptic I asked her to give me a bit of time to check it out before she did anything.... thank God I did!! I would like to think I would have found something eventually to uncover the truth, but your story was a huge help. One only needs to take your advice and look up Herbalife in the phonebook; there are scores of 'distributors' in Brisbane alone, and we are not a very big city!! Anyway well done, I will be telling anyone who listens to check out your story and spread the word. Regards, Josh.
Hi Rob, Saw you were posting all the emails you got this week. Here's a contribution from the All Too Flat geeks. We managed to get this e-mail in before midnight on the 22nd. Thank god for Pacific Time! (note: we did 33.33 each, so that's why some say 33 haiku and not 100) Hope you enjoy! 1. Paper Mache Elvis It's paper mache Not sure how the King would feel But I was impressed 2. Footballs You have no idea How bored I can be at work. I read LGF 3. What's the question? Marching with Commies? ANSWER is not the answer Unless you like Mao 4. Cock My lone source of joy During a five-hour workday. It's Cockeyed dot com 5. Sushi I'm writing these 'poems' while waiting for some (late) friends. God I'm hungry 6. Maybe 18 How many of these Do you think Rob will get through? I say seventeen 7. Do these make me look fat? Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch Blah blah blah bitch bitch bitch bitch. That's how my girl sounds. 8. Hefeweisen I wish US beer didn't look like horese urine. German beer is dark. 9. That math doesn't work out: Will this work at all? Averaging 5 per hour... I'll be done in May 10. i300 My phone is awesome. Calls, email, wireless web, and soon - even porn. 11. Mavericks I got nothing but net That was me - out by the arc. By 'me' I mean 'Nash.' 12. "Feels Like" Temperature I walked from the train Now the inside of my mouth is a sheet of ice 13. Our site It comes up so huge, That it has five syllables: Alltooflat dot com. 14. Herbalife Screaming orange sign: "Thirty pounds in fifteen days" Fucking travesty 15. http://sandiego.craigslist.org/ Something I wonder: Does Rob read Missed Connections for San Francisco? 16. When I think about you... I have a question on self-gratification: How much is too much? 17. This Really Happened In case you wondered, Right here is why I strike out: "Boobies. I mean, hello." 18. I'm just talking 'bout Frank, baby Zappa rocks my world No, I don't mean Moon Unit, nor even Dweezil 19. Everyone down to 8th St. It's been far too long Since I've slid into fishnets - Let's do the Time Warp 20. To The People Upstairs I: No, I Won't Drop The Volume Look, in the middle Of the night, do I ask you to drop your baby? 21. To The People Upstairs II: Lovin' From the Oven And another thing: What the hell is with that smell? Sweat socks for dinner? 22. You Know, Like Wolverine I read comic books. Sometimes, I really wish that I had lycra pants 23. L'Chaim! Is it a big deal? Why is everyone so shocked That I'm not Jewish? 24. What's up with that? How pissed off am I? Finally meet a girl who reads, She won't date goyim. 25. In the good ole' days Nets were for fishing And hoops were for hula'ing. Now I watch Kings games 26. Micturate I have made a pact In order to get these done Can't pee 'til thirty. 27. Jennifer Connelly in Requiem For a Dream Didn't expect that Remember her in Lab'rinth? Oh, she'll come alright. 28. Why Astoria supermarkets are better than Bushwick supermarkets The finest thing is Aisle after sweet aisle Of things that aren't Goya 29. Talking Heads It's a strange effect. David Byrne is both cooler and geekier than me. 30. It's Actually Raven Shield, but that has 3 syllables I'm almost finished. Only four more haiku 'til I can play Rogue Spear 31. Meta-Haiku I Inappropriate Or not? Can I use the phrase "Bassho eats a dick" ? 32. Meta-Haiku II I have a strong fear This haiku shall be my worst It's self-fulfilling. 33. Don't Try To Tell Me I'm The Only One, Either I know it's creepy, But I'm kind of psyched for it - Olsen twins 18th. 34. On Getting These Haiku Complete Ten o'clock PM. Thank god Rob's on the West coast Thirty-two to go. 35. Inspiration for 1000 Haiku One thousand pictures I love digital cameras Ambur all the time 36. Looking Around My Livingroom Bridget Moynahan On the cover of Time Out Is so fucking hot 37. Remember that Squirrel? It's easier to write Haiku when all your words are Monosyllabic 38. Ruminations You'd be surprised at How much different Monster's Ball Is than Monster's Inc. 39. Limits of AI I should write a script To wrote these poems for me But I suck at perl 40. The Smell From the Kitchen My girl cooks tofu. You'd think that's bad but it is Better than the kale 41. About the Previous Haiku I shouldn't complain She is making me dinner And that's really sweet 42. More About the Previous Haiku I can't keep it in. I'll come right out and say it. Arin is da bomb! 43. Microsoft and the Previous Haiku Arian Erin? Fuck Word and Auto-correct! Arvin Rain Orin? 44. Cluttering Up My Inbox Time Warner, ConEd. Why do they send me paper? I pay bills online. 45. Rock Stars All Too Flat dot Com Largest haiku collection Ever to be seen 46. Not For the Kiddies When I typed this line With my laptop on my lap I burnt my penis 47. This One's Not Funny Either It's all been downhill Since that Monster's Ball haiku I should try harder 48. I Live In a Greenhouse Bromeliad Fern Milk Cactus Gardenia Ficus Azalea 49. What I Know About Ficus Magnoliopsi- da is just a type of Mag- noliophyta 50. I Turned To Her And Asked Tell me honestly: Now would you describe it as horsecockian? 51. Jackass Know what's a good time? Taking the L-S-A-T For no good reason 52. Get Your Fingers Out I'll offer a prize If you find out which haiku Ain't five-seven-five 53. I Wish I Were a Freak Seven fingers would Make this whole haiku thing go Much more easily 54. I Take Some of It Back Word just corrected "aesly" into "easily" How did it know that? 55. But Not All of It There are twenty-five temp files for this paper. Why does it need them? 56. My ipod Twenty gigabytes That's a lot of stolen tunes Jobs for president 57. These Fucking Hooves "Eh, I've got no dukes" I don't think that that phrase means What you think it means. 58. Will Power Harry Potter 5 I'll wait and listen to the Book on mp3 59. Sponge Bob Squarepants Have you seen this guy? He's a yellow sponge with pants. I just don't get it. 60. Topic Chosen By My Girlfriend I'll take the MCAT Graduate admissions tests Nothing else to do 61. Tick Tock Hands and no numbers, Even still, that doesn't mean That it's analog 62. Preparing for the MCATs Kingdom phylum class Order family genus Species. I love tests. 63. Possibly the Last Thing on My Mind Time for menopause You can tell because of my Hormone replacements 64. Manchester Prep Cruel Intentions Two Reminded me a lot of Cruel Intentions One 65. It Does Help That Your Friends are in Habonim Dror I'll be honest Ken You even had your Mom fooled With the name "Bromberg" 66. And Quite Disgusting Too Lampreys are suckers That can live without their heads For up to three days 67. Scrabble Double letter score Underneath my double-u Comes up really huge. 68. Frozen Dang, it's cold outside. I really can't feel my legs Walking home from work. 69. Science Club Cheerios, toothpaste, Popcorn, shaving cream, tin foil: How much is inside? 70. The laundry mat People filter in, The laundry mat was empty. Now there are five more. 71. Haiku are easy! One, two, three, four, five. Writing haiku is simple. Count it on your hand. 72. Walking in Held the door open And a cute girl walked through it. She smiled and said thanks 73. Laundry Day Wash, soak, spin, rinse, spin, Dry, sort, fold, drop, fold, iron: The Tao of clean clothes. 74. Im thinking of a number the number seven the most popular number between one and ten 75. Ewww, gross Please stop doing that, Nobody wants to see it, Such gross PDA 76. Going On Home I found the bus that Stops right in front of my door. It's twelve degrees out. 77. Its not late "It's already ten." What? I'm just getting started I'll be up 'til two 78. Oops Chink-a chink-a chink My quarters drop to the floor I race after them 79. A bad start X Q K F J Worst scrabble letters ever You want to go first? 80. Forever lost One sock is missing Who knows where he ran off to His twin left behind 81. Mac A fifteen inch screen One inch thick, 5.5 pounds Sexy powerbook 82. Ultimate A long throw down field Running after the frisbee Layout to catch it. 83. According to 3M Heres a good question: Whats the stickiest substance? Its barnacle glue! 84. Procrastination Gotta pay those bills Piling high here on my desk I should open them. 85. Wireless Heaven Checking my email And listening to music While cooking dinner. 86. Halloween again The paparazzi Costume is absolutely Totally brilliant. 87. Apologies One hundred haiku This could be borderline spam If it weren't funny 88. Two friendly hobbitses Frodo and the ring. Sam carries everything else; He's the gardener. 89. Sophie The dogs at my door He wants to jump on my bed I don't want him to. 90. Pretty Hawaiian fish Hu-mu-hu-mu-nu- Ka-nu-ka-a-pu-a-a A halibuts dream. 91. Almost done Nine more haiku left Im running out of topics. Eight more after this. 92. Your membership application We received your check. Ill make your membership card, and mail it out soon. 93. The OJ situation This haiku writing Is making me so thirsty. I need some OJ. 94. The post-OJ era That OJ was good. It quenched my thirst really well Back to the haiku. 95 The truth about the OJ situation I will be honest, I didnt drink the OJ Its so far downstairs. 96. The OJ situation revisited I really need it, But Im on a haiku roll. I cannot stop now. 97. Apple cinema HD display Twenty three inches Dang thats a huge flat panel I wish I had one. 98. X Have you noticed that All the new OSs have An X in their names? 99. Call the SPCA Bark bark bark bark bark Somebody let the dog in Shes freezing outside 100. Finally Thirty three haiku Are not trivial to write. Time for some OJ.
I thought you’d like to be aware that someone is using your likeness in a heavily photo-shopped image http://www.somethingawful.com/inserts/news/images/01-2003/01-23-2002-princess.jpg You may find this image posted in the January 23 entry of www.somethingawful.com Let me know if this is somehow interesting. Best of luck, Nick
Hey, I'm sure you already know this, but just in case you didn't---you're on the front page of Something Awful today. Apparently you are not the princess. http://www.somethingawful.com/ K.
Rob, My name is Guy. I was working on a large (about 8' high, 10-12 feet across) cave-type stage set. I tried to put the paper on today, but it kept slipping off, and I left the project defeated. I came across your site today, and was thrilled to see that I did it all (mostly) right. I used the exact same materials as you did for the basic frame (1x2's) and covered it in 1" chicken wire. I think the error I made was I was using a full sheet of news paper (hey, c'mon, it's the first time I've done this) and used glue and water. Tomorrow I'll try 2" strips and your paste recipe. You have re-energized me, and I look forward to writing you with my progress. Thanks a bunch, Guy in San Diego. (Go Tampa Bay!)
Hey Rob! Awsome site! Congrats on "beating" the traffic ticket. I broke into a cold sweat just reading about the nervewracking experience... shudder courts... Anyway, here's a pic that i think i tried to send you once before (attached). ...it isn't the most original idea i'm sure, but it came to me, whatever... ...and looking back on it, it gives me the creeps. If you ever have the chance, i'd love for you to sign my guestbook on my generic free-layout-style site. =) Keep up the good work, Natural Rai http://www.icallitart.freeservers.com (popups)

Ok, that's all of them, except for some personal email. My heartfelt thanks everyone who participated, it was a great success. Be ready next year, maybe I'll make it a contest.

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