Dear ebay, paypal, mastercard, visa, AOL, Macy's, Merrill Lynch, STAR network, starbucks, ups, wells fargo, banana republic, target, equifax,, e-gold, bill-pay, MCI and Swiss bank account holders:

We regret to inform you that your account has been erased, scrambled, lost, misplaced, re-labelled, depleted, hacked, cancelled, upgraded or modified, and we need to update our records with some critical personal data. We even lost your phone number and home address, but someone here at the office remembered your email address, so we are lucky that we could contact you.

Please visit the proper website, of the kind of account(s) you have, which we no longer have a record of, but hopefully you remember, and update your very important personal information.

If you don't go to one of these official websites and give us your information in the next few minutes, we will definitely erase your account, after we charge a bunch of concert tickets to it. Seriously.